Pass the garlic powder, biatch!!

The Secret Society of the Garlic People has been discovered in Washington, DC--and you will not get what they have without either an ill-advised fight, or the uncanny ability to run and cower like a small girl.

Driven by delusions of adequacy, these large, angry douchetards will guard the city's garlic powder supply with every ounce of drunken misdirection in their ogreish souls.

I recently came across an agent of this occult, and was surprised by his unusually small size. Overjoyed at the thought that I had the upperhand, I pressured him to give up the goods, going so far as to demand he "pass the garlic powder, biatch!!" How foolish I was. This group has not survived as long as they have without street smarts and a backup plan. Almost immediately, I was attacked by two much larger men. Panicked and desperate, I focused all of my energy on cowering and running as if I were a small ballerina. While progress was made, it seemed I was only delaying the inevitable... In fact, the only reason I am still here to tell the tale is thanks to the grace of the "pizza keeper", who provided some sort of magical back door outta there, if you will...