Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Alternative Solutions for the Virginia Assembly

Not only am I a critic of recent Virginia legislation to unfairly fine its drivers, but I am also a bringer of solutions. I'm here to entertain and inform. Here is a nice list for those idiot sheep in Richmond:
  1. Gas tax increase. A 1 cent increase in the gas tax would raise about $50mm in revenues according to this article. It would be a small cost to all drivers, not just those in state.
  2. Make August 7, 2007 the first annual "Kick your Assemblyman in the Crotch Day". Angry, perverted, sadistic, and/or curious citizens can pay a fee of $250 each to kick their assemblyman in the junk or $100 to kick his/her assistant. Maybe offer a deal like "5 kicks for $1000" for the bargain hunters out there. The capstone: for every $10mm raised, Hulk Hogan kicks the Governor square in the "ouch pouch". Charge admission for those who want to watch, sell t-shirts and other garb, hock food and beer, and sell PPV broadcast rights on cable and satellite TV. I guarantee it's more entertaining than boxing...
  3. Income tax increase. Of course politicians couldn't think of raising taxes when there's an election coming up... God forbid they'd do the right thing and take the punishment.
  4. Tobacco tax. There are millions of VA citizens who use tobacco and make everyone else's life miserable. They must pay an extra 5 cents-per-pack tax on all tobacco. It's not going to stop people from using tobacco, and the people killing themselves also hurt their own finances. Win-win.
  5. State-run poker rooms and slot casinos. It's a huge money maker, and it would be a boon for my dormant gambling problem. The best part about this idea is that it would screw over West Virginia.
  6. "Express Lanes" at the VA DMV. If anyone has suffered through a DMV experience, it is hard enough to deal with the inconsiderate idiots who work there. It is even more painful to wait in line behind other people who are even more incompetent than the clerks. Wouldn't it be awesome to just walk in at a specific time with a printed "fast pass" and only be in line a few short minutes? Charge people $25 up front to reserve an appointment time in specific lanes. It's like EZ Pass. Make the service somewhat limited, so there are limited backlogs. Or, you can pay something like $50 to guarantee front of the line access for your matter at a given time. If you miss your appointment or are even 1 minute late, tough luck. Sure, it will make other people have to wait longer, but who cares?

All it takes is some creativity and 10 minutes of rational thought, and you can come up with good ideas that are practical (in most cases) and will solve the problem without pissing off most of the state's voters. I suppose I shouldn't expect something creative and smart from a southern state...


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