Who cares?

Every time I turn on the television, read a newspaper, or try to get the news on the web, I notice a constant that just pisses me off: The media's obsession with young celebrities. The latest instance of this nonsense can be found here. Apparently, idiot bimbo Lindsay Lohan's DUI arrest and return to rehab was front page news on MSNBC and CNN Tuesday, July 24, 2007. It was seemingly more important than things like a $50mm SEC fine against Citigroup for outright fraud against mutual fund shareholders, wildfires in the West that threaten lives and ecosystems, and pretty much everything else of value to society. What I want to know is: who the hell cares about people like Brittany Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, and Lindsay Lohan? What have any of these individuals really done to help society, the arts, or even themselves? As far as I can tell, they have done pretty much nothing tangible with their lives, but they are worth (in most cases) millions of dollars. They are hunted by the paparazzi for photos and dirt on their very existence.

The fact that these pea-brained, ignorant, arrogant, indifferent individuals get any attention at all is disgusting to me. I kind of understand it, in a way. These people are car crashes, train wrecks, and crime scenes. The blithering masses of America can't help but stop and stare at human misery. Of course, the reasonable people who just want to get someplace are stuck behind the bastards who aren't smart enough to just keep moving... I actually believe these sad, pathetic women are addicted to the spotlight and go to great lengths to keep themselves in the news. Maybe they would stop their self-destructive behavior if the public would stay focused on important matters and leave them alone. I think society would be better off, and these bastages can die broken, poor, young, and alone in an alley somewhere. Ah, the circle of life...

Costumes In Public...

Either Halloween is now celebrated on July 20, or there were an inordinate number of giant geeks in Old Town last Friday. Either way, I didn't get the memo. That evening, I went on a date at Asian Bistro in Alexandria, VA (fantastic Thai food and sushi). Harry Potter and his horde of loser dweeb fans dominated the evening. The restaurant is 1/2 a block from a small movie theater (showing the feature film) and about 1.5 blocks from a book store (having a special book release party). Needless to say, the street was packed with fans of all ages, a great many of them decked out in full costume. I freely admit that it's a great thing that kids are psyched for a book release. However, there is absolutely no excuse for functioning members of society to dress up like characters from the book/movie saga. Seriously, if you're not working some demeaning advertising gig or acting on stage/screen, there is really no legitimate excuse for you to wear a costume. Acceptable behavior: dude dressed up like a chicken handing out coupons. Unacceptable behavior: 40 year-old man dressed up like a female character from a popular children's novel walking around a crowded public street.

People, once you reach the age of 10, you cannot play dress-up on a regular basis anymore without running the risk of tar/feathering. Parading around with broomsticks touting the virtues of "quidditch" is more likely to result in a visit to your proctologist than any semblence of social acceptance. Then again, if you or someone you know is truly dorky enough to buy costume supplies for a movie or book release, you might have more pressing issues to deal with. I think all of these problems really go back to JK Rowling, the author and authoritatative guardian of the Harry Potter franchise. If you're sick of these nincompoops making asses of themselves on a semiregular basis, perhaps you need to attack the problem at the source. I implore you to track down this lady and kick her square in the taint.

Alternative Solutions for the Virginia Assembly

Not only am I a critic of recent Virginia legislation to unfairly fine its drivers, but I am also a bringer of solutions. I'm here to entertain and inform. Here is a nice list for those idiot sheep in Richmond:

1. Gas tax increase. A 1 cent increase in the gas tax would raise about $50mm in revenues according to this article. It would be a small cost to all drivers, not just those in state.
2. Make August 7, 2007 the first annual "Kick your Assemblyman in the Crotch Day". Angry, perverted, sadistic, and/or curious citizens can pay a fee of $250 each to kick their assemblyman in the junk or $100 to kick his/her assistant. Maybe offer a deal like "5 kicks for $1000" for the bargain hunters out there. The capstone: for every $10mm raised, Hulk Hogan kicks the Governor square in the "ouch pouch". Charge admission for those who want to watch, sell t-shirts and other garb, hock food and beer, and sell PPV broadcast rights on cable and satellite TV. I guarantee it's more entertaining than boxing...
3. Income tax increase. Of course politicians couldn't think of raising taxes when there's an election coming up... God forbid they'd do the right thing and take the punishment.
4. Tobacco tax. There are millions of VA citizens who use tobacco and make everyone else's life miserable. They must pay an extra 5 cents-per-pack tax on all tobacco. It's not going to stop people from using tobacco, and the people killing themselves also hurt their own finances. Win-win.
5. State-run poker rooms and slot casinos. It's a huge money maker, and it would be a boon for my dormant gambling problem. The best part about this idea is that it would screw over West Virginia.
6. "Express Lanes" at the VA DMV. If anyone has suffered through a DMV experience, it is hard enough to deal with the inconsiderate idiots who work there. It is even more painful to wait in line behind other people who are even more incompetent than the clerks. Wouldn't it be awesome to just walk in at a specific time with a printed "fast pass" and only be in line a few short minutes? Charge people $25 up front to reserve an appointment time in specific lanes. It's like EZ Pass. Make the service somewhat limited, so there are limited backlogs. Or, you can pay something like $50 to guarantee front of the line access for your matter at a given time. If you miss your appointment or are even 1 minute late, tough luck. Sure, it will make other people have to wait longer, but who cares?

All it takes is some creativity and 10 minutes of rational thought, and you can come up with good ideas that are practical (in most cases) and will solve the problem without pissing off most of the state's voters. I suppose I shouldn't expect something creative and smart from a southern state...

ALERT for Virginia Drivers!!!

The assbags in the Virginia General Assembly have completely lost touch with reality. I'm convinced that to be qualified for a "leadership" position in this state, you have to have an IQ of 60 or a frontal labotomy. Either way, the citizens suffer. In the 2007 state budget, there was a shortfall of about $65mm that the Republican majority in Congress and the Democratic Governor (Tim Kaine) could not resolve. Instead of coming up with a reasonable situation, the state went and did this:

• Car registration increased from $29.50 to $39.50 per vehicle.
• Fine for driving with a suspended license: $250 per year for 3 years.
• Fine for reckless/aggressive driving: $350 per year for 3 years.
• Fine for DWI: $750 per year for 3 years.
• Miscellaneous fine for driving violations (at officer's discretion): Additional $300 per year for 3 years.

According to the law, NONE of these fines can be appealed or reduced once given by the police officers on the street. While I respect law enforcement officers, they are not infallible. It is possible they will make a mistake that will cost someone a significant chunk of money. This factor is plain unacceptable. Also, Virginia is refusing to apply these fines to out of state drivers. Given the number of commuters and pass-throughs in the state, wouldn't it be prudent to apply these fines to them as well? Governor Kaine explained that Virginia didn't have the authority to fine out-of-state drivers that much. I think it's more a case that Virginia doesn't have the authority to follow up and collect on these fines. Instead, they're going to stupidly beat up on their own consituents. Blatantly retarded!

There is a petition out there where VA residents can voice their displeasure with these statutes. I have signed it, and over 100,000 other residents have followed suit. Act now and show these morons that there are easier ways to raise money without unfairly fining motorists.

"Cloverfield" Movie Looks Amazing

For those of you who have seen the Transformers movie (awesome, btw), there was a very odd, but strangely compelling trailer for the upcoming JJ Abrams (creator/producer of LOST) movie, currently called "Cloverfield". Watch the trailer to see what I mean. Seems like some sort of monster attacks NY. In the screen shot to the right, it looks like the thing ripped the Statue of Liberty's head off and spit/threw it through the city. It looks like an absolutely bad ass movie, but they are not leaking anything. All we know is that it's not a Godzilla film. There are plenty of sites out there with speculation and teasers. Links:

Cloverfield Official Site
IMDb
Screenrant
Slusho (Marketing Site--officially related)
Wikipedia

No bitching here. Just saying this movie looks really cool. If you're a fan of LOST, you might want to look into this.

Worst Sports Day Ever

You'd think that professional sports leagues would learn by now. ALWAYS have content and games available for your fans when you can, and ALWAY take advantage of opportunities when other sports drop the ball. The day after the All-Star game has always been the worst sports day of the year. The baseball players are still on break for another day, football training camp is still a month away, no one cares about the NHL anymore (or never did), and if you have any interest in NBA free agency, you're a retard. If you want to watch TV on this horrendous day, the only things on are classic reruns of good TV, crappy reruns of terrible network shows, or awful summer shows that are so bad they will cause cancer and heart disease. Last night, the only watchable programming on TV was Travel Channel's broadcast of the WPT Poker Invitational, and South Park reruns on Comedy Central. Oh yeah, for those 3 people who wanted to watch the movie Species with commercials and without a nude Natasha Henstridge, you could have turned to TNT. Excellente!!!!

The only real sports broadcast on TV last night was ESPN's coverage of the AAA Baseball All-Star Game. While I follow minor league baseball, is there any point to this game? The real All-Star Game is already BS because the players and managers don't try (see this post for further details). Why would anyone other than a baseball dork like me want to watch the AAA game? 95% of the players who will be stars are already in the majors. What's more, there is even less incentive for the players or managers to try to win or entertain. In today's media environment, you either broadcast and provide content, or you perish. There is no offseason and there are no days off. People consume sports as entertainment. It is unconscionable for the major sports to continue to drop the ball (pardon the pun) every year. The baseball all-star break is part of their season, but this schedule is announced well in advance. Surely the other major sports should take advantage of this one day to grab the attention away. Why couldn't the NBA or NHL have their drafts on this night each year? Maybe even baseball could get over itself and hold its telecast of the amateur entry draft during that open time. Maybe the NFL wants to expand its dominance with a special broadcast or even the draft. Worst case, the ever-crappy ESPN could attempt to fill the void with their over-the-top, idiotic ESPY Awards Show.

I'm not asking for much here. Give us some form of sports entertainment that is relevant and worth watching. It is irresponsible of the major sports to let this crap go on any longer!

Aaron Rowand?

Seriously? Tony LaRussa, you are a raging retard. With 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, 2 men on base based loaded and in a 1-run game when you're the home team, you put Albert Pujols up to bat to win the game, not Aaron Rowand. If you have any doubts, look at career stats for Rowand and Pujols. Pujols has 189 more home runs, 509 more RBI's, a career batting average over 40 points higher, an OBP 70 points higher, and an OPS more than 246 points higher in his career (both were rookies in 2001 and have 6+ years of service time). What's more, Pujols is 4-11 in All Star game AB's in his career (.364 batting average, .417 OBP). The final point I will make: even in 2007, when Rowand is having a "career year" and Pujols is "slumping", Pujols has superior offensive numbers.

Listen, I'm a Phillies fan. I'm used to seeing retarded managerial moves that costs my team the game. However, even the moron Charlie Manuel could get this right. When the game is on the line, you go for the win. You don't bench Albert Pujols, one of the top 5 hitters in the game, for Aaron Rowand, who is a fringe All Star in his best season in the majors. Pujols is famous for clutch hits and big time skills with the bat. Rowand is famous for taking a nose dive into a metal fence in center field.

Below: Aaron Rowand shows the world what happens when he is asked to hit against K-Rod:

Only in Dreams?

[Note: This post somehow got deleted through no action of my own. I decided to repost out of spite.]

I usually don't remember my dreams, probably because I'm too focused on unnecessary BS like low-stakes poker, minor league basketball, and fantasy sports. Either that or my subconscious produces images so horrifyingly stupid and retarded that my brain shields my conscious from these bastardized thoughts. No matter. This dream stood out for its sheer idiocy and overall hilarity at my expense:

I knew it was a dream for several reasons: (1) I was out at a bar (why be social when I can hang out at home?), (2) I was drinking a beer (why drink a beer when I can have no fun at all?), and (3) I was talking to women, and they were actually interested in me (my interactions with the opposite sex are awkward on a good day). For some reason, I attracted the attention of a gorgeous brunette, who laughed at my stupid jokes and seemed interested in my insurance career (yet another clue). Flash forward, and we're back at her place and in her bedroom. She takes off her clothes and lies down on the bed. Do I jump her bones? Do I romance her? NO! I say, "Sorry, I have a girlfriend," and I leave. I woke up dumbfounded! Am I really so pathetic with the opposite sex that I can't even seal the deal in my own dream? Even fat, ugly people get the hot chick in their dreams!

Fortunately for me, I told my girlfriend about this series of events, and she thought it was sweet that I would turn down sex in my dream. Unfortunately for me, I blew my "Get Out of Jail Free" card when I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home. Maybe I was better off just keeping my mouth shut. Story of my life...