Poor Jamin Elliot...

One of my favorite names in sports is an NFL wide receiver named Jamin Elliott. He has never done much in an NFL game, but I still like to take him in fantasy leagues as an inside joke with some friends. I got the devastating news today that Jamin Elliott suffered a severe knee injury and would be out for the season on Injured Reserve. Poor Jamin Elliott. At least he has a cool name and an NFL minimum salary while he rehabs...

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part IV

Part IV: The Witch with Zero Sense of Humor

Having vanquished his demons with the first pitch, it was now game time. The Barking Brother arranged for us sit in The Den, an area in the left field bleachers that included a full buffet dinner with hot dogs, burgers, sausage, steak tips, salad, watermelon, and cookies. To gain entry to The Den, you need a special wristband. The college student working the gate this particular evening, Melanie, was a Grade-A beyotch. While we were waiting to get in, little kids were jumping around all excited to be at the game, but she was complaining about the noise. Naturally, this didn't bode well for her. We were definitely the most boisterous and obnoxious group in the state of New Hampshire that evening.

Picking up on her bad attitude, the Barking Bachlor led the way. He said to Melanie, "It's my bachelor party! I threw out the first pitch. Does that turn you on?" She didn't say anything, but was clearly upset. I followed up and asked her how she was doing. She said, "fine!", but clearly all was not well in beyotch land. She spent the remainder of the game leering and brooding in our general direction as we ate, drank, and were generally douchebags. Later on, I went to get some more steak tips (which were delicious), and Melanie was over there kvetching to her "friends" about what a jerk and a loser the Barking Bachelor was. I interrupted her rant and said, "Excuse me, you're being rude and inconsiderate, and I don't think your comments are appropriate." She offered a half-hearted apology while rolling her eyes.

The bottom line here is that Melanie, who works for the New Hampshire Fishercats, is a total beyotch. If you ever encounter her, feel free to [RETRACTED]. Until then, I strongly recommend that Melanie should take the giant stick out of her [RETRACTED] and use it to [RETRACTED] creative and unsanitary ways. Not that there's anything wrong with that... The funny part about all this is that she probably runs a blog where she complains about annoying customers at the baseball games. Too bad everyone in the world knows that she's not worth a crap. In case she's reading: Melanie, you're 18 or 19 years old, and you're making money working at a minor league baseball stadium. No one can possibly stand your attitude, and you're not even [RETRACTED]. Stop taking yourself so seriously and try to enjoy your piddling little existence that barely qualifies as a life...

Michael Vick Sued

I'm not going to comment on the dog fighting case with Michael Vick, but an inmate in a South Carolina prison has chosen to sue the embattled QB. See the news story here. In his complaint, Mr. Johnny Lee Riches alleges that Vick stole 2 pit bulls from him to use in his dog fighting ring. He also goes on to state that Vick "sold the dogs on eBay" then "used the proceeds purchase missles from Iran". In addition, Vick stole Riches' identity and has illegally been producing and selling Johnny Lee Riches apparrel since 2001. In addition, Vick has (i) pledged his allegiance to Al Qaeda in February 2007, (ii) subjected Riches to microwave testing, (iii) used drugs in school zones, and (iv) operated a steroids ring.

Read the full, hand-written complaint here.

Mr. Riches is requesting $63 billion in compensation for these lost dogs. He demands that these funds, "backed by gold and silver", be left outside the state penitentiary where he is being held on wire fraud charges.

No additional comment is really needed here. Just one of those things to sit back and admire...

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part III

Part III: The "First Pitch"

Following an otherwise uneventful afternoon of scotch sampling (chugging) and some very low stakes Texas Hold 'Em, a very liquored up group walked down to the local Manch-stadium for a New Hampshire Fishercats game. [Note: The Fishercats are the AA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays.] As a special surprise, the Barking Brother (also the best man) had announced that the very drunk Bachelor would be throwing out that evening's first pitch. What we soon realized was that minor league baseball franchises are all about promotions and fan involvement. In this case, we happened to attend the game on Saturday, August 11, 2007, otherwise known as "Everyone With 1 Arm or More Throws Out a First Pitch" Day. At least 15 people got to throw out a "first pitch" that evening. Almost all of them were younger kids out for birthday parties and such. Despite these factors, the Barking Bug was still the most likely participant to pee his pants (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Anyways, the kids did pretty well, getting their "first pitches" over the plate on a fly. However, they really lacked in pitching mechanics and showmanship. The Barking Bachelor chose to teach them a lesson with his "first pitch". When his name was called, the Bachelor walked to the mound with both hands raised triumphantly above his head, as if to say, "It's my time now, beyotches!". Before climbing the mound, he attempted to remove his flip-flops, but was instructed by stadium personnel that this was not allowed. Once positioned on the pitching rubber, he leaned in for his sign (nearly falling over in the process). He shook off the change-up and curve ball, opting for the fastball. Tipping his cap and launching into his pitching motion, the Barking Bachelor unleashed a tremendous pitch... that proceeded to sail 6 feet over the catcher's head and against the backstop. Using all of his baseball instincts and remaining faculties, Bug eagerly rushed toward home to back up the play and retrieve the souvenir ball . The Nazi bastards at the ballpark moved quickly to escort him from the field and refused to let him have the ball.

That is a bunch of crap, but the Barking Bachelor returned to our seats to a hero's welcome and armed with an inflated sense of self importance. Obviously, this led to additional hilarity and antics. Stay tuned...

Nappy-Headed Lawsuit

I'm sure all of you are familiar with the media hooplah surrounding "shock jock" and syndicated radio host Don Imus from earlier this year. I still believe that the guy really didn't really do anything that bad. He made a mildly racist/misogynistic comment about a group of student athletes. The comment was clearly meant as a joke, but it wasn't funny at all. So what? I say unfunny and potentially offensive things about 10 times an hour. This incident is a symptom of a much larger problem in this country. No one can take a joke, no one wants to hear anything that makes them uncomfortable, and everyone wants to sue.

Yesterday, Imus reached an agreement to settle his remaining contract with CBS Radio for a lump sum of about $20mm. He is now free to work again and is apparently negotiating TV and radio deals. Also announced yesterday was what I am calling a "Nappy-Headed Lawsuit". One of the Rutgers players, Kim Vaughn, is suing Imus, MSNBC, Viacom, CBS Radio, and others for a large sum of money for slander, libel, and defamation of character. According to the complaint and press release, "some of the money from any damages awarded in the lawsuit would be used to create a scholarship program to study the effects of bigoted and misogynistic speech on society." What a bunch of crap! A few comments:

1. No one ever cared about the Rutger's women's bball team. Much of the "outrage" and media hype was about idiots like Al Sharpton trying to get extra airtime for their "cause".
2. Along those lines, very few people even know who the Rutgers players even are. I couldn't pick any of them out of a police lineup, and I doubt anyone would equate these individuals as "nappy headed hoes".
3. This is an obvious money grab by a greedy young woman with no sense of justice.
4. As noted in the landmark legal case Hustler Magazine/Larry Flynt v. Jerry Falwell, in order to collect for damages for slander, libel, infliction of emotional distress, and defamation of character, a 'reasonable person' must be able to believe that the statements are true. I can't possibly believe that any reasonable person could possibly believe that student athletes were really "unchaste women", let alone conclude that Don Imus had intimate knowledge of this.
5. I find it humorous that a young woman who is showing a severe lack of character is suing a man for defamation of character.

These kinds of lawsuits and unnecessary attention just has to stop. F-you, Kim Vaughn. I hope Don Imus lets you take this case to court, and you lose. I want you to have to pay his legal fees. That would be real justice.

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part II

Part II: The Longest Mini Golf Hole in the World

After a way-too early wakeup call courtesy of my coughing/nose-blowing thanks to a cold (yes, I am a jerk), we had a nice diner breakfast highlighted by my inability to locate the bathroom. Mmm... pancakes and omlettes... Looking for a way to pass the time, the Barking Bachelor suggested we check out Chucksters, a brand new mini golf complex about 30 minutes from Manchvegas.

According to their website, Chucksters is "awesome". The course's claim to fame is hole #13, which they say is the longest mini golf hole in the world at 201 feet. While it was a pretty nice course, I'm not really sure how they managed to come up with "longest mini golf hole in the world" claim. I did a web search and found many several references to Chucksters but not much else in my web travels. Seems pretty convenient that they're making this claim, yet there is minimal evidence to suggest that they are really correct. In fact, I think by advertising this fact, they invite the competition to go out there and top them. The Barking Bachelor, Slappy, Ass Puppet, and I played a full round this past Saturday. During the round, Bug happened to pull the most retarded "rule" ever out of his anus: if you are away (farthest from the hole), you have to hit your ball as it lies, even if there are other balls in the way. This led to much debate and even worse putting from the lot of us. I have never encountered this rule before, and I think it is pure BS. I don't think it really affected my score much, but calling Bug out on his stupid rules is thanks enough. End result: Slappy kicked all of our butts with a score of 60 (par of 41).

Happy Madden Eve!

As you all should know, Madden 2008 comes out in stores at midnight tonight. EA Sports is advertising tomorrow as Madden Day 2008. The game is expected to sell in the millions the first day, which likely means several hundred thousand Americans will take off work to play the game all day. Some have gone so far as to call the release date of the game a national holiday.

Anyway, in 2007, a long snapper on the Washington Redskins named Ethan Albright was rated a 53 overall (on a 99 scale). As a joke, someone wrote a fictitious, profanity-laced letter to John Madden and posted it on the internet. Here is the link. I happen to think this piece is hilarious. It is completely irreverent and disrespectful, but I think the writer had fun with it. From the opening stanza to the salutation of "Rot in hell", this document is just fantastic.

Leading up to the 2008 release date, a blogger named Jcscheffers has written a pretty funny blog article entitled "Why Madden 2008 is better than my girlfriend". Another excellent read.

For those of you who can't wait 12 hours to purchase the game, here is an IGN Preview and a link to screen shots/videos.

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part I

I was one of the designees to attend the Barking Bug's bachelor party festivities this past weekend in Manchvegas, NH. We drank, we laughed, we threw meat, and we had fun. Over the next several days, I will regale you with tales from the bachelor party weekend. VIVA MANCHVEGAS!!!

Part I: I guess I'll pick up the tab...

On Friday night, 4 of the Goon Squad (Barking Bug/Bachelor, Slappy, Ass Puppet, and myself/Jeeves) went to the bar downstairs from his apartment around 12:30 AM or so. They had Miller Lite bottles (correct pronunciation: Mill-ay Litt-ay) for $3 each. As you all should know, $3 is a good price on special, let alone a Friday night, so we cheerfully ordered a round. Around 12:45, the bartender shouted "LAST CALL!!!", which surprised us. Las Vegas = all night party. Manchvegas = party like it's 1759. Regardless, we immediately ordered 2 extra rounds of beer. Wanting to pay my fair share, I handed the bartender my credit card and clearly said, "Put one round on my tab, please." She went ahead and returned everyone else's credit cards and put the entire group's tab on my card. Apparently, in Manchvegas, saying "put a round on my card" really means "I want to buy everyone else in the bar drinks"...

I don't mind the $36 charge. It's the principle of the thing. A bartender has a lot of responsibilities, not the least of which is giving the customer what he/she wants. I guess I shouldn't be terribly critical. If your lifelong dream is to move to Manchester, NH to take a job serving drinks a third rate sports bar, you may not have that much ability or ambition to begin with.

The Great "Pantsuit" Continues...

Perhaps some of you are familiar with this legal case in the DC court system. To enlighten you, in 2002, a local dry cleaner lost a pair of pants owned by a judge, Roy Pearson, and paid him $150 for the lost clothing. In 2005, the same judge dropped off a pair of suit pants for alterations. They were not ready when he expected them, so he filed suit in DC court demanding damages of $65 million! He claims that the cleaner is guilty of 12 violations of Consumer Protection Laws a day ($1,500 per violation) x 3 locations of the cleaning business from 2002 on + replacement of his clothing + 1,400 hours of his own legal time + the cost to rent a car to travel to another cleaner + pain and suffering. One of Pearson's cronies in the DC courts allowed this case to go to trial, even though there were allegations of bad faith legal proceedings and poor legal judgement on the judge's part. At the trial, this miserable douche cried talking about how the cleaners abused him. What a pussy. The judge at trial correctly ruled in favor of the defendent, but the cleaning business had to pay $100,000 in legal fees. Undaunted, Pearson has appealed the ruling.

As of April 30, 2007, Pearson was up for renewal of his judicial appointment. In reality, he grossly abused the legal system he is being paid and trusted to defend. Did he get dismissed, fined, and disbarred for his actions? No! The panel considering his appointment has been unable to come to a decision for 3 months. During this time, he is not allowed to hear cases, but he is allowed to "earn" his 6-figure salary. If he is reappointed, he will draw this salary for another 10 years. This is a no-brainer. No judge can preside over a trial without having some form of integrity. Given this history, no ruling Pearson will ever make will stand up. Every decision will be appealed because the judge is a moronic douche who can't even exercise even judgement in his own affairs. I surely hope this dickhead will be castrated, then shot in both kneecaps. Anything less would be a disservice to the rest of the country.