Destroy "The Emasculator"!
The Emasculator (n): Def: A deadly, devious force that exists solely to embarrass, harrass, and bankrupt the straight male residents of Washington, DC.You may have seen this man in a restaurant or a bar. If you were on a date or trying to score, you may have purchased his wares and given him more money and more power. It is time for all men in the DC Metro Area to say, "Enough!" and take back their collective testicles from this dastardly "door-to-door" salesman. Anywhere in NW Washington, DC, you can find a short man of Middle Eastern descent going from bar to bar, restaurant to restaurant. In his hand, he holds a fistful of roses, which he sells for $3-5 apiece to men looking for any way to improve their chances of copulation. DO NOT BUY FLOWERS FROM HIM!!! His mere existence is and insult to masculinity in general.
Some of you will say, "Well, he's just trying to make a living like the rest of us." I say you're completely full of crap. Sure, everyone has the right to make an honest living, but I don't respect people who profit from making me uncomfortable. When The Emasculator approaches, any guy who is trying to hit on or date any girl is immediately put on the spot with a VERY difficult decision: On one hand, if you don't buy a rose, you look like a cheap douchebag, which pretty much kills your chances. On the other hand, if you do buy one, chances are she may or may not appreciate the gesture, but you're still in the game. What's perhaps worse, she now knows that you like her, which means your game is shattered, and you lose your chance to be on equal footing with her for quite a long time. While buying a rose for a girl may lead to short term physical benefits, the long term ill effects to one's masculinity are clearly not worth it. At the end of the day, The Emasculator puts every man in a no-win situation: Either overpay for a rose and look like a nice guy or decline the opportunity and look like a dick.
I have nothing against The Emasculator personally. In fact, I think his business is pretty ingenius. However, I am always inclined to act against him constantly in order to preserve my testicular fortitude. Early in any romantic encounter I have, I make him a topic of conversation during a date and make my beliefs about him clearly known. That way, when he inevitably interrupts a future conversation, and I tell him to get lost, I look like a man of principles rather than a cheap jerk. Of course, this strategy backfires with wiley women, who have the tendency to call The Emasculator over, then make a fake fuss when I politely decline his services. When I look back on it, the small amount of embarrassment there is much less painful than the damage to my soul and psyche if I give in and pay for a rose.
posted by EMG @ 10:00 AM
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