Barking Bug

Amazon Sucks!

2010-04-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

Is there really any other way to say it? Nope; Amazon sucks!

I feel a little silly for ever selling items with them in the first place - they charge 70% more than Half.com for most items. No, that is not a typo - 70%. I recently complained to Amazon customer service, and they their idiotic response was really laughable. They explained that if I sell something for $3.75, They will give me 87 cents and keep the rest for fees. That means, you get less than 25 percent for an item like this. I never posted items this cheap on Amazon - but the fact that they use this as an example is baffling - who wants to give away 76% percent comission? Morons, that's who.

More recently, a customer complained that they had not received a package that I personally dropped off at the post office. This complaint was filed on a holiday. The very first business day I responded, explaining that I shipped an item and notified the seller on 2/10 and that I would immediately check with the post office to try to locate the item ASAP. My customer feedback is 100% positive. Anyway, a few hours later, Amazon said they would refund the item and charge my account. They gave me no possible chance to follow through. None.

Now, there is an $80 book in the postal system on its way to a buyer who has already been refunded. Who gets to pay the $80? Not the billion dollar company with horrid customer service, but rather the poor student that needs the $80 to buy his next textbook. Make sense?

So, if you like to be robbed with ridiculous commission rates and treated like trash by Amazon reps, stick with them! Otherwise, try Half.com or eBay.... Good day.

Further Reading:
Amazon Sucks:
http://legallycertifiable.blogspot.com/2007/12/amazon-sucks.html

Selling on Amazon.com Sucks! (Hilarious Comments Section)
http://vorg.ca/1065-Selling-On-Amazon.com-Sucks

Amazon.com Sucks.
http://haddox.sydlexia.com/amazon_sucks.php

Poor Jamin Elliot...

2007-08-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite names in sports is an NFL wide receiver named Jamin Elliott. He has never done much in an NFL game, but I still like to take him in fantasy leagues as an inside joke with some friends. I got the devastating news today that Jamin Elliott suffered a severe knee injury and would be out for the season on Injured Reserve. Poor Jamin Elliott. At least he has a cool name and an NFL minimum salary while he rehabs...

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part IV

2007-08-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Part IV: The Witch with Zero Sense of Humor

Having vanquished his demons with the first pitch, it was now game time. The Barking Brother arranged for us sit in The Den, an area in the left field bleachers that included a full buffet dinner with hot dogs, burgers, sausage, steak tips, salad, watermelon, and cookies. To gain entry to The Den, you need a special wristband. The college student working the gate this particular evening, Melanie, was a Grade-A beyotch. While we were waiting to get in, little kids were jumping around all excited to be at the game, but she was complaining about the noise. Naturally, this didn't bode well for her. We were definitely the most boisterous and obnoxious group in the state of New Hampshire that evening.

Picking up on her bad attitude, the Barking Bachlor led the way. He said to Melanie, "It's my bachelor party! I threw out the first pitch. Does that turn you on?" She didn't say anything, but was clearly upset. I followed up and asked her how she was doing. She said, "fine!", but clearly all was not well in beyotch land. She spent the remainder of the game leering and brooding in our general direction as we ate, drank, and were generally douchebags. Later on, I went to get some more steak tips (which were delicious), and Melanie was over there kvetching to her "friends" about what a jerk and a loser the Barking Bachelor was. I interrupted her rant and said, "Excuse me, you're being rude and inconsiderate, and I don't think your comments are appropriate." She offered a half-hearted apology while rolling her eyes.

The bottom line here is that Melanie, who works for the New Hampshire Fishercats, is a total beyotch. If you ever encounter her, feel free to [RETRACTED]. Until then, I strongly recommend that Melanie should take the giant stick out of her [RETRACTED] and use it to [RETRACTED] creative and unsanitary ways. Not that there's anything wrong with that... The funny part about all this is that she probably runs a blog where she complains about annoying customers at the baseball games. Too bad everyone in the world knows that she's not worth a crap. In case she's reading: Melanie, you're 18 or 19 years old, and you're making money working at a minor league baseball stadium. No one can possibly stand your attitude, and you're not even [RETRACTED]. Stop taking yourself so seriously and try to enjoy your piddling little existence that barely qualifies as a life...

Michael Vick Sued

2007-08-17T06:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to comment on the dog fighting case with Michael Vick, but an inmate in a South Carolina prison has chosen to sue the embattled QB. See the news story here. In his complaint, Mr. Johnny Lee Riches alleges that Vick stole 2 pit bulls from him to use in his dog fighting ring. He also goes on to state that Vick "sold the dogs on eBay" then "used the proceeds purchase missles from Iran". In addition, Vick stole Riches' identity and has illegally been producing and selling Johnny Lee Riches apparrel since 2001. In addition, Vick has (i) pledged his allegiance to Al Qaeda in February 2007, (ii) subjected Riches to microwave testing, (iii) used drugs in school zones, and (iv) operated a steroids ring.

Read the full, hand-written complaint here.

Mr. Riches is requesting $63 billion in compensation for these lost dogs. He demands that these funds, "backed by gold and silver", be left outside the state penitentiary where he is being held on wire fraud charges.

No additional comment is really needed here. Just one of those things to sit back and admire...

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part III

2007-08-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Part III: The "First Pitch"

Following an otherwise uneventful afternoon of scotch sampling (chugging) and some very low stakes Texas Hold 'Em, a very liquored up group walked down to the local Manch-stadium for a New Hampshire Fishercats game. [Note: The Fishercats are the AA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays.] As a special surprise, the Barking Brother (also the best man) had announced that the very drunk Bachelor would be throwing out that evening's first pitch. What we soon realized was that minor league baseball franchises are all about promotions and fan involvement. In this case, we happened to attend the game on Saturday, August 11, 2007, otherwise known as "Everyone With 1 Arm or More Throws Out a First Pitch" Day. At least 15 people got to throw out a "first pitch" that evening. Almost all of them were younger kids out for birthday parties and such. Despite these factors, the Barking Bug was still the most likely participant to pee his pants (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Anyways, the kids did pretty well, getting their "first pitches" over the plate on a fly. However, they really lacked in pitching mechanics and showmanship. The Barking Bachelor chose to teach them a lesson with his "first pitch". When his name was called, the Bachelor walked to the mound with both hands raised triumphantly above his head, as if to say, "It's my time now, beyotches!". Before climbing the mound, he attempted to remove his flip-flops, but was instructed by stadium personnel that this was not allowed. Once positioned on the pitching rubber, he leaned in for his sign (nearly falling over in the process). He shook off the change-up and curve ball, opting for the fastball. Tipping his cap and launching into his pitching motion, the Barking Bachelor unleashed a tremendous pitch... that proceeded to sail 6 feet over the catcher's head and against the backstop. Using all of his baseball instincts and remaining faculties, Bug eagerly rushed toward home to back up the play and retrieve the souvenir ball . The Nazi bastards at the ballpark moved quickly to escort him from the field and refused to let him have the ball.

That is a bunch of crap, but the Barking Bachelor returned to our seats to a hero's welcome and armed with an inflated sense of self importance. Obviously, this led to additional hilarity and antics. Stay tuned...

Nappy-Headed Lawsuit

2007-08-15T06:26:00.000-07:00

I'm sure all of you are familiar with the media hooplah surrounding "shock jock" and syndicated radio host Don Imus from earlier this year. I still believe that the guy really didn't really do anything that bad. He made a mildly racist/misogynistic comment about a group of student athletes. The comment was clearly meant as a joke, but it wasn't funny at all. So what? I say unfunny and potentially offensive things about 10 times an hour. This incident is a symptom of a much larger problem in this country. No one can take a joke, no one wants to hear anything that makes them uncomfortable, and everyone wants to sue.

Yesterday, Imus reached an agreement to settle his remaining contract with CBS Radio for a lump sum of about $20mm. He is now free to work again and is apparently negotiating TV and radio deals. Also announced yesterday was what I am calling a "Nappy-Headed Lawsuit". One of the Rutgers players, Kim Vaughn, is suing Imus, MSNBC, Viacom, CBS Radio, and others for a large sum of money for slander, libel, and defamation of character. According to the complaint and press release, "some of the money from any damages awarded in the lawsuit would be used to create a scholarship program to study the effects of bigoted and misogynistic speech on society." What a bunch of crap! A few comments:

No one ever cared about the Rutger's women's bball team. Much of the "outrage" and media hype was about idiots like Al Sharpton trying to get extra airtime for their "cause".
Along those lines, very few people even know who the Rutgers players even are. I couldn't pick any of them out of a police lineup, and I doubt anyone would equate these individuals as "nappy headed hoes".
This is an obvious money grab by a greedy young woman with no sense of justice.
As noted in the landmark legal case Hustler Magazine/Larry Flynt v. Jerry Falwell, in order to collect for damages for slander, libel, infliction of emotional distress, and defamation of character, a 'reasonable person' must be able to believe that the statements are true. I can't possibly believe that any reasonable person could possibly believe that student athletes were really "unchaste women", let alone conclude that Don Imus had intimate knowledge of this.
I find it humorous that a young woman who is showing a severe lack of character is suing a man for defamation of character.

These kinds of lawsuits and unnecessary attention just has to stop. F-you, Kim Vaughn. I hope Don Imus lets you take this case to court, and you lose. I want you to have to pay his legal fees. That would be real justice.

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part II

2007-08-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

Part II: The Longest Mini Golf Hole in the World

After a way-too early wakeup call courtesy of my coughing/nose-blowing thanks to a cold (yes, I am a jerk), we had a nice diner breakfast highlighted by my inability to locate the bathroom. Mmm... pancakes and omlettes... Looking for a way to pass the time, the Barking Bachelor suggested we check out Chucksters, a brand new mini golf complex about 30 minutes from Manchvegas.

According to their website, Chucksters is "awesome". The course's claim to fame is hole #13, which they say is the longest mini golf hole in the world at 201 feet. While it was a pretty nice course, I'm not really sure how they managed to come up with "longest mini golf hole in the world" claim. I did a web search and found ~~many~~ several references to Chucksters but not much else in my web travels. Seems pretty convenient that they're making this claim, yet there is minimal evidence to suggest that they are really correct. In fact, I think by advertising this fact, they invite the competition to go out there and top them. The Barking Bachelor, Slappy, Ass Puppet, and I played a full round this past Saturday. During the round, Bug happened to pull the most retarded "rule" ever out of his anus: if you are away (farthest from the hole), you have to hit your ball as it lies, even if there are other balls in the way. This led to much debate and even worse putting from the lot of us. I have never encountered this rule before, and I think it is pure BS. I don't think it really affected my score much, but calling Bug out on his stupid rules is thanks enough. End result: Slappy kicked all of our butts with a score of 60 (par of 41).

Happy Madden Eve!

2007-08-13T08:51:00.001-07:00

As you all should know, Madden 2008 comes out in stores at midnight tonight. EA Sports is advertising tomorrow as Madden Day 2008. The game is expected to sell in the millions the first day, which likely means several hundred thousand Americans will take off work to play the game all day. Some have gone so far as to call the release date of the game a national holiday.

Anyway, in 2007, a long snapper on the Washington Redskins named Ethan Albright was rated a 53 overall (on a 99 scale). As a joke, someone wrote a fictitious, profanity-laced letter to John Madden and posted it on the internet. Here is the link. I happen to think this piece is hilarious. It is completely irreverent and disrespectful, but I think the writer had fun with it. From the opening stanza to the salutation of "Rot in hell", this document is just fantastic.

Leading up to the 2008 release date, a blogger named Jcscheffers has written a pretty funny blog article entitled "Why Madden 2008 is better than my girlfriend". Another excellent read.

For those of you who can't wait 12 hours to purchase the game, here is an IGN Preview and a link to screen shots/videos.

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part I

2007-08-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

I was one of the designees to attend the Barking Bug's bachelor party festivities this past weekend in Manchvegas, NH. We drank, we laughed, we threw meat, and we had fun. Over the next several days, I will regale you with tales from the bachelor party weekend. VIVA MANCHVEGAS!!!

Part I: I guess I'll pick up the tab...

On Friday night, 4 of the Goon Squad (Barking Bug/Bachelor, Slappy, Ass Puppet, and myself/Jeeves) went to the bar downstairs from his apartment around 12:30 AM or so. They had Miller Lite bottles (correct pronunciation: Mill-ay Litt-ay) for $3 each. As you all should know, $3 is a good price on special, let alone a Friday night, so we cheerfully ordered a round. Around 12:45, the bartender shouted "LAST CALL!!!", which surprised us. Las Vegas = all night party. Manchvegas = party like it's 1759. Regardless, we immediately ordered 2 extra rounds of beer. Wanting to pay my fair share, I handed the bartender my credit card and clearly said, "Put one round on my tab, please." She went ahead and returned everyone else's credit cards and put the entire group's tab on my card. Apparently, in Manchvegas, saying "put a round on my card" really means "I want to buy everyone else in the bar drinks"...

I don't mind the $36 charge. It's the principle of the thing. A bartender has a lot of responsibilities, not the least of which is giving the customer what he/she wants. I guess I shouldn't be terribly critical. If your lifelong dream is to move to Manchester, NH to take a job serving drinks a third rate sports bar, you may not have that much ability or ambition to begin with.

The Great "Pantsuit" Continues...

2007-08-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

Perhaps some of you are familiar with this legal case in the DC court system. To enlighten you, in 2002, a local dry cleaner lost a pair of pants owned by a judge, Roy Pearson, and paid him $150 for the lost clothing. In 2005, the same judge dropped off a pair of suit pants for alterations. They were not ready when he expected them, so he filed suit in DC court demanding damages of $65 million! He claims that the cleaner is guilty of 12 violations of Consumer Protection Laws a day ($1,500 per violation) x 3 locations of the cleaning business from 2002 on + replacement of his clothing + 1,400 hours of his own legal time + the cost to rent a car to travel to another cleaner + pain and suffering. One of Pearson's cronies in the DC courts allowed this case to go to trial, even though there were allegations of bad faith legal proceedings and poor legal judgement on the judge's part. At the trial, this miserable douche cried talking about how the cleaners abused him. What a pussy. The judge at trial correctly ruled in favor of the defendent, but the cleaning business had to pay $100,000 in legal fees. Undaunted, Pearson has appealed the ruling.

As of April 30, 2007, Pearson was up for renewal of his judicial appointment. In reality, he grossly abused the legal system he is being paid and trusted to defend. Did he get dismissed, fined, and disbarred for his actions? No! The panel considering his appointment has been unable to come to a decision for 3 months. During this time, he is not allowed to hear cases, but he is allowed to "earn" his 6-figure salary. If he is reappointed, he will draw this salary for another 10 years. This is a no-brainer. No judge can preside over a trial without having some form of integrity. Given this history, no ruling Pearson will ever make will stand up. Every decision will be appealed because the judge is a moronic douche who can't even exercise even judgement in his own affairs. I surely hope this dickhead will be castrated, then shot in both kneecaps. Anything less would be a disservice to the rest of the country.

Who cares?

2007-07-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

Every time I turn on the television, read a newspaper, or try to get the news on the web, I notice a constant that just pisses me off: The media's obsession with young celebrities. The latest instance of this nonsense can be found here. Apparently, idiot bimbo Lindsay Lohan's DUI arrest and return to rehab was front page news on MSNBC and CNN Tuesday, July 24, 2007. It was seemingly more important than things like a $50mm SEC fine against Citigroup for outright fraud against mutual fund shareholders, wildfires in the West that threaten lives and ecosystems, and pretty much everything else of value to society. What I want to know is: who the hell cares about people like Brittany Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, and Lindsay Lohan? What have any of these individuals really done to help society, the arts, or even themselves? As far as I can tell, they have done pretty much nothing tangible with their lives, but they are worth (in most cases) millions of dollars. They are hunted by the paparazzi for photos and dirt on their very existence.

The fact that these pea-brained, ignorant, arrogant, indifferent individuals get any attention at all is disgusting to me. I kind of understand it, in a way. These people are car crashes, train wrecks, and crime scenes. The blithering masses of America can't help but stop and stare at human misery. Of course, the reasonable people who just want to get someplace are stuck behind the bastards who aren't smart enough to just keep moving... I actually believe these sad, pathetic women are addicted to the spotlight and go to great lengths to keep themselves in the news. Maybe they would stop their self-destructive behavior if the public would stay focused on important matters and leave them alone. I think society would be better off, and these bastages can die broken, poor, young, and alone in an alley somewhere. Ah, the circle of life...

Costumes In Public...

2007-07-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

Either Halloween is now celebrated on July 20, or there were an inordinate number of giant geeks in Old Town last Friday. Either way, I didn't get the memo. That evening, I went on a date at Asian Bistro in Alexandria, VA (fantastic Thai food and sushi). Harry Potter and his horde of loser dweeb fans dominated the evening. The restaurant is 1/2 a block from a small movie theater (showing the feature film) and about 1.5 blocks from a book store (having a special book release party). Needless to say, the street was packed with fans of all ages, a great many of them decked out in full costume. I freely admit that it's a great thing that kids are psyched for a book release. However, there is absolutely no excuse for functioning members of society to dress up like characters from the book/movie saga. Seriously, if you're not working some demeaning advertising gig or acting on stage/screen, there is really no legitimate excuse for you to wear a costume. Acceptable behavior: dude dressed up like a chicken handing out coupons. Unacceptable behavior: 40 year-old man dressed up like a female character from a popular children's novel walking around a crowded public street.

People, once you reach the age of 10, you cannot play dress-up on a regular basis anymore without running the risk of tar/feathering. Parading around with broomsticks touting the virtues of "quidditch" is more likely to result in a visit to your proctologist than any semblence of social acceptance. Then again, if you or someone you know is truly dorky enough to buy costume supplies for a movie or book release, you might have more pressing issues to deal with. I think all of these problems really go back to JK Rowling, the author and authoritatative guardian of the Harry Potter franchise. If you're sick of these nincompoops making asses of themselves on a semiregular basis, perhaps you need to attack the problem at the source. I implore you to track down this lady and kick her square in the taint.

Alternative Solutions for the Virginia Assembly

2007-07-17T08:07:00.001-07:00

Not only am I a critic of recent Virginia legislation to unfairly fine its drivers, but I am also a bringer of solutions. I'm here to entertain and inform. Here is a nice list for those idiot sheep in Richmond:

Gas tax increase. A 1 cent increase in the gas tax would raise about $50mm in revenues according to this article. It would be a small cost to all drivers, not just those in state.
Make August 7, 2007 the first annual "Kick your Assemblyman in the Crotch Day". Angry, perverted, sadistic, and/or curious citizens can pay a fee of $250 each to kick their assemblyman in the junk or $100 to kick his/her assistant. Maybe offer a deal like "5 kicks for $1000" for the bargain hunters out there. The capstone: for every $10mm raised, Hulk Hogan kicks the Governor square in the "ouch pouch". Charge admission for those who want to watch, sell t-shirts and other garb, hock food and beer, and sell PPV broadcast rights on cable and satellite TV. I guarantee it's more entertaining than boxing...
Income tax increase. Of course politicians couldn't think of raising taxes when there's an election coming up... God forbid they'd do the right thing and take the punishment.
Tobacco tax. There are millions of VA citizens who use tobacco and make everyone else's life miserable. They must pay an extra 5 cents-per-pack tax on all tobacco. It's not going to stop people from using tobacco, and the people killing themselves also hurt their own finances. Win-win.
State-run poker rooms and slot casinos. It's a huge money maker, and it would be a boon for my dormant gambling problem. The best part about this idea is that it would screw over West Virginia.
"Express Lanes" at the VA DMV. If anyone has suffered through a DMV experience, it is hard enough to deal with the inconsiderate idiots who work there. It is even more painful to wait in line behind other people who are even more incompetent than the clerks. Wouldn't it be awesome to just walk in at a specific time with a printed "fast pass" and only be in line a few short minutes? Charge people $25 up front to reserve an appointment time in specific lanes. It's like EZ Pass. Make the service somewhat limited, so there are limited backlogs. Or, you can pay something like $50 to guarantee front of the line access for your matter at a given time. If you miss your appointment or are even 1 minute late, tough luck. Sure, it will make other people have to wait longer, but who cares?

All it takes is some creativity and 10 minutes of rational thought, and you can come up with good ideas that are practical (in most cases) and will solve the problem without pissing off most of the state's voters. I suppose I shouldn't expect something creative and smart from a southern state...

ALERT for Virginia Drivers!!!

2007-07-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

The assbags in the Virginia General Assembly have completely lost touch with reality. I'm convinced that to be qualified for a "leadership" position in this state, you have to have an IQ of 60 or a frontal labotomy. Either way, the citizens suffer. In the 2007 state budget, there was a shortfall of about $65mm that the Republican majority in Congress and the Democratic Governor (Tim Kaine) could not resolve. Instead of coming up with a reasonable situation, the state went and did this:

Car registration increased from $29.50 to $39.50 per vehicle.
Fine for driving with a suspended license: $250 per year for 3 years.
Fine for reckless/aggressive driving: $350 per year for 3 years.
Fine for DWI: $750 per year for 3 years.
Miscellaneous fine for driving violations (at officer's discretion): Additional $300 per year for 3 years.

According to the law, NONE of these fines can be appealed or reduced once given by the police officers on the street. While I respect law enforcement officers, they are not infallible. It is possible they will make a mistake that will cost someone a significant chunk of money. This factor is plain unacceptable. Also, Virginia is refusing to apply these fines to out of state drivers. Given the number of commuters and pass-throughs in the state, wouldn't it be prudent to apply these fines to them as well? Governor Kaine explained that Virginia didn't have the authority to fine out-of-state drivers that much. I think it's more a case that Virginia doesn't have the authority to follow up and collect on these fines. Instead, they're going to stupidly beat up on their own consituents. Blatantly retarded!

There is a petition out there where VA residents can voice their displeasure with these statutes. I have signed it, and over 100,000 other residents have followed suit. Act now and show these morons that there are easier ways to raise money without unfairly fining motorists.

"Cloverfield" Movie Looks Amazing

2007-07-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have seen the Transformers movie (awesome, btw), there was a very odd, but strangely compelling trailer for the upcoming JJ Abrams (creator/producer of LOST) movie, currently called "Cloverfield". Watch the trailer to see what I mean. Seems like some sort of monster attacks NY. In the screen shot to the right, it looks like the thing ripped the Statue of Liberty's head off and spit/threw it through the city. It looks like an absolutely bad ass movie, but they are not leaking anything. All we know is that it's not a Godzilla film. There are plenty of sites out there with speculation and teasers. Links:

Cloverfield Official Site
IMDb
Screenrant
Slusho (Marketing Site--officially related)
Wikipedia

No bitching here. Just saying this movie looks really cool. If you're a fan of LOST, you might want to look into this.

Worst Sports Day Ever

2007-07-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

You'd think that professional sports leagues would learn by now. ALWAYS have content and games available for your fans when you can, and ALWAY take advantage of opportunities when other sports drop the ball. The day after the All-Star game has always been the worst sports day of the year. The baseball players are still on break for another day, football training camp is still a month away, no one cares about the NHL anymore (or never did), and if you have any interest in NBA free agency, you're a retard. If you want to watch TV on this horrendous day, the only things on are classic reruns of good TV, crappy reruns of terrible network shows, or awful summer shows that are so bad they will cause cancer and heart disease. Last night, the only watchable programming on TV was Travel Channel's broadcast of the WPT Poker Invitational, and South Park reruns on Comedy Central. Oh yeah, for those 3 people who wanted to watch the movie Species with commercials and without a nude Natasha Henstridge, you could have turned to TNT. Excellente!!!!

The only real sports broadcast on TV last night was ESPN's coverage of the AAA Baseball All-Star Game. While I follow minor league baseball, is there any point to this game? The real All-Star Game is already BS because the players and managers don't try (see this post for further details). Why would anyone other than a baseball dork like me want to watch the AAA game? 95% of the players who will be stars are already in the majors. What's more, there is even less incentive for the players or managers to try to win or entertain. In today's media environment, you either broadcast and provide content, or you perish. There is no offseason and there are no days off. People consume sports as entertainment. It is unconscionable for the major sports to continue to drop the ball (pardon the pun) every year. The baseball all-star break is part of their season, but this schedule is announced well in advance. Surely the other major sports should take advantage of this one day to grab the attention away. Why couldn't the NBA or NHL have their drafts on this night each year? Maybe even baseball could get over itself and hold its telecast of the amateur entry draft during that open time. Maybe the NFL wants to expand its dominance with a special broadcast or even the draft. Worst case, the ever-crappy ESPN could attempt to fill the void with their over-the-top, idiotic ESPY Awards Show.

I'm not asking for much here. Give us some form of sports entertainment that is relevant and worth watching. It is irresponsible of the major sports to let this crap go on any longer!

Aaron Rowand?

2007-07-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

Seriously? Tony LaRussa, you are a raging retard. With 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, ~~2 men on base~~ based loaded and in a 1-run game when you're the home team, you put Albert Pujols up to bat to win the game, not Aaron Rowand. If you have any doubts, look at career stats for Rowand and Pujols. Pujols has 189 more home runs, 509 more RBI's, a career batting average over 40 points higher, an OBP 70 points higher, and an OPS more than 246 points higher in his career (both were rookies in 2001 and have 6+ years of service time). What's more, Pujols is 4-11 in All Star game AB's in his career (.364 batting average, .417 OBP). The final point I will make: even in 2007, when Rowand is having a "career year" and Pujols is "slumping", Pujols has superior offensive numbers.

Listen, I'm a Phillies fan. I'm used to seeing retarded managerial moves that costs my team the game. However, even the moron Charlie Manuel could get this right. When the game is on the line, you go for the win. You don't bench Albert Pujols, one of the top 5 hitters in the game, for Aaron Rowand, who is a fringe All Star in his best season in the majors. Pujols is famous for clutch hits and big time skills with the bat. Rowand is famous for taking a nose dive into a metal fence in center field.

Below: Aaron Rowand shows the world what happens when he is asked to hit against K-Rod:

Only in Dreams?

2007-07-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

[Note: This post somehow got deleted through no action of my own. I decided to repost out of spite.]

I usually don't remember my dreams, probably because I'm too focused on unnecessary BS like low-stakes poker, minor league basketball, and fantasy sports. Either that or my subconscious produces images so horrifyingly stupid and retarded that my brain shields my conscious from these bastardized thoughts. No matter. This dream stood out for its sheer idiocy and overall hilarity at my expense:

I knew it was a dream for several reasons: (1) I was out at a bar (why be social when I can hang out at home?), (2) I was drinking a beer (why drink a beer when I can have no fun at all?), and (3) I was talking to women, and they were actually interested in me (my interactions with the opposite sex are awkward on a good day). For some reason, I attracted the attention of a gorgeous brunette, who laughed at my stupid jokes and seemed interested in my insurance career (yet another clue). Flash forward, and we're back at her place and in her bedroom. She takes off her clothes and lies down on the bed. Do I jump her bones? Do I romance her? NO! I say, "Sorry, I have a girlfriend," and I leave. I woke up dumbfounded! Am I really so pathetic with the opposite sex that I can't even seal the deal in my own dream? Even fat, ugly people get the hot chick in their dreams!

Fortunately for me, I told my girlfriend about this series of events, and she thought it was sweet that I would turn down sex in my dream. Unfortunately for me, I blew my "Get Out of Jail Free" card when I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home. Maybe I was better off just keeping my mouth shut. Story of my life...

Enough Already, Dick Vitale!

2007-06-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

Every year, millions of ESPN viewers are subjected to the screaming and ranting of Dick Vitale, a former college coach and NCAA basketball "expert". Seriously, what did any of us do to deserve this kind of torture? The man gets paid large sums of money to do color commentary of NCAA (minor league) basketball games and further "analysis" on ESPN programs (e.g. SportsCenter). However, anyone with half a brain knows that this jackass ruins every broadcast he does. All he does is enthusiastically scream and yell about things that have nothing to do with the matter at hand. Of course, once he's done making his various off-base and moronic points, he'll finish with a loud ".... BABY!!!!". Dickie V, you may like to listen to yourself talk, but it's giving the rest of us a migraine!

I am so sick of the guy that I will literally change the channel the moment he comes on the air. The very sound of his voice makes me want to rip my left arm off, just so I have something to throw at him! ESPN, your audience throws an epilleptic fit and grows collectively dumber every time you put this epic douche on the air. Do the entire world a favor and ban him from studios everywhere and replace him with insightful and responsible professionals.

I'm not saying that Dick Vitale should die, I just don't want to have to look at his face or listen to him ever again. I will say this: forcing Vitale into retirement would truly be AWESOME, BABY!!!!

Delaware Sucks!

2007-06-28T06:29:00.000-07:00

Reasons Delaware shouldn't be nuked off the map:

No sales tax on consumer purchases
Favorable corporate laws that help US businesses.
Without traffic, it only takes 20 minutes to get through the state on the way to legitimate destinations.
Save weapons to stop Godzilla.

Yes, Delaware sucks and offers little value to anyone. What's more, they take in over $20mm a year in tolls from drivers desperate to get into the slightly less-sucky state of Maryland via I-95. That's just complete BS. Delaware is lucky to even get a star on the flag. I found a way around the Delaware toll, which will save you $4 and stick it to those jackholes:

Exit I-95 South at Delaware Exit 1B (Rt. 896, College Ave.).
About 1 mile up, make a left on Rt. 2 (Christina Ave.)
About 1.5 miles, make a left onto Rt. 2 (Elkton Rd.)
I-95 South in Maryland (Exit 109) will be less than 2 miles away.

Given the traffic during the summer and on weekends, this will add about 5 miles to your trip, but it will often save you time and frustration. Suck on that, Delaware!

Love that Chicken?

2007-06-27T06:09:00.001-07:00

On our way back to DC from the "bachelor party" from hell, we stopped to eat dinner around 10 PM at the Chesapeake House in Northern Maryland. They offer the usual rest stop fast food options. I decided on some delicious Popeye's Fried Chicken. However, the Hispanic family in line in front of me proceeded to piss me off by taking 15 minutes to order their massive dinner:

4 16-piece fried chicken buckets
3 large sides of mashed potatoes and gravy
2 large sides of red beans and rice
2 large sides of macaroni and cheese
16 buttermilk biscuits
10 medium fountain drinks

Total: $125

Perhaps they should have just said, "Wait, how much chicken do you have back there? I'll take it!" Has anyone ever actually ordered $125 worth of Popeye's and lived? Of course we know that Popeye's is unhealthy. However, there are environmental effects as well. I know that the aftermath of my 3-piece chicken dinner was a fart-riddled 2002 Toyota Solara and one super-sized piece of "information" 3 hours later. I can only imagine what 22x the food would have done to that poor family...

Excuse me, Miss...

2007-06-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

I have a confession: I enjoy pina coladas. I'm already a huge fan of pineapple and coconut juices, and I also enjoy milking drinks to avoid getting drunk. So, getting a froofy mixed drink with minimal alchohol content would be a logical step, no?

Saturday evening at the Comedy Cellar in New York City (a fantastic place, btw), I was sitting with friends, and we shared a table with several young ladies also in attendance. Partially as a joke (but mostly because I wanted one), I ordered a pina colada from the bar to "enjoy" while I watched the show. The dummy waittress brought me a Coors Lite and one of the girls at the table a pina colada. The girl looked confused by mixup. I, of course, just wanted my drink. So, in between comedy sets, I said a little too loudly, "Excuse me, Miss? I believe that is my Pina Colada... this here is your Coors Lite!"

Faaaantastic!

Worst "Bachelor Party" Ever?

2007-06-25T06:39:00.000-07:00

I attended what was supposed to be a bachelor party for a long time friend in NYC this past weekend. The whole thing was cut short by the bachelor getting violently ill and passing out by 10 PM after 1 beer, 1/2 a glass of wine, and a fantastic Italian dinner. To me, this basically cancelled the bachelor party, so those of us not taking care of the groom went to a comedy show and bar-hopping around NY. Normally, I'd be railing against him for extreme douchebaggery, but NOT THIS TIME! I place full blame on the mother of the groom and the bride-to-be for bombarding the poor guy with frantic calls about errors on the wedding program, final RSVP's, and BS bickering between both sides of the family. Seriously? You really can't leave the bachelor alone for 36 hours to let him just have fun with his friends? Between the weeks leading up to the wedding and the rest of his life, you are the very same people that are going to strip him of the will to live. Is it absolutely mandatory that you get a head start on his life of misery? F-you to you people for stealing a rare weekend of fun from an all-around good guy!

Back in the Saddle

2007-06-24T20:46:00.001-07:00

I'M BACK, BEYOTCHES!!!! After a 349 day hiatus, barkingbug.blogspot.com ~~are~~ is back on the scene. The Barking Bug (and his affiliates) will do all they can to update you on the inane, mundane, and silly crap that goes on that pisses us off (and should piss you off, too). Be prepared for a year's worth of pent up rage and frustration. Stay tuned...

Demon Review #2

2006-07-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

You know the bug blog is going down hill when I, creator of said blog, haven't been able to bring myself to read it for months. This past weekend I was faced with two options -- read this blog or do everything else I could possibly imagine and then hope I fell asleep. The decision was obvious. I'd go into a long, rambling rant in a pointless attempt to explain, but that has proven to be the email demon's problem and thusly this blog's problem. Let's just say this -- I was so bored, I got tired of the Internet, actually read a book, and went to the gym -- twice! Anything that sucks so much it drives me to the gym twice should be studied carefully for scientific purposes.

Unfortunately, studying would require reading the posts, and I refuse to do that out of pure spite. Let me say this to anyone reading -- I have fixed the comments problem. Somehow before I was supposed to approved all comments before they went live. Comments will no longer be filtered. I apologize to the 6 douche bags who were wronged by this. It is my hope that the nasty comments will liven things up. And, with any luck, the firery red head will make herself known soon. In other good news, I may start deleting select craptacular posts.

Let me just weigh in on some of the recent topics:

jj redick - minor league basketball sucks, no one cares
chivalry is dead - one of the last one I read - potentially funny, but ruined by misguided babbling
chris berman is horrible in every way, and always was, the demon just like hearing him say "back, back, back, back, back.. and gone" when they are doing dirty things together in the park.
kickball is not a sport. Neither is softball. its not about sport, its about beer
my first review -- dead on
all star game -- the mangers dont try, so who cares how the players are picked

In conclusion, a check minus for the email demon, whose glory days seem to be behind him... and an incomplete for bailing out of the big camping trip in two weeks. I challenge anyone to find a douchier act then the email demon bitching out of the camping trip because he thinks he will have a lot of work to do in a few weeks, so much work that he will be worrying about it every night as he watches crappy cartoon reruns and all weekend during the three softball games he will be playing while drinking as much ass he possbily can (potentially 2.5 beers).

$2 reward if anyone can top that.

The world is going to hell...

2006-07-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

And the media feels that W. using the word "shit" to another world leader while a mic was on is worthy of reporting? Sigh. No wonder the world hates us.

Don't get me wrong, I am no fan of our underesteemed president. I think it is funny when he says things that are completely preposterous, not to mention frequently full of grammatical error, or just plain nonsensical. (See use of the "word" misunderestimated). Had they caught him saying something truly outlandish like oh, say, i dunno, "Thank god something else miserable is going on in that part of the world so no one bothers me about the clusterfuck i created in iraq" I'd be falling on the floor laughing. This, not so much.

i can only hope that next time a mic catches W. saying something that proves he is full of his favorite 4 letter word.

Baseball's All-Star Game Sucks. Part 1: The Fans Select The Starters

2006-07-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't read the title of this post, I absolutely hate the baseball all-star game, and I wish it would get syphilis and die. They say that the game gets better ratings than all the other major sports, that it's for the fans, and that it's good for the game and such, but that's just a lie. The All Star Game is an excuse for the supposed best in baseball to be very lazy, get wined and dined, and for the host owner and city to cash in on the local idiots and the media fanfare. Let us deconstruct this issue rationally. The MLB All Star game does enjoy a sizeable television audience, but that's because the baseball enjoys several major advantages. The"mid-summer classic" happens in July, when there's no good television on, and at a time when there's no other sports competition. The NBA All-Star game falls just after the NFL season ends (super bowl hangover), and right in the midst of television "sweeps". It also has to compete (although it doesn't have to try hard) with the NHL. The Pro Bowl is watered-down football with little hitting and less effort and doesn't mean anything, so no one watches. The NHL is the NHL, so no more discussion is needed there. With no competition, Major League Baseball can feel free to put a shoddy product on the field and get away with it because there's nothing else better on! The All Star Game is just a stupid idea in general. I would much rather see the World Baseball Classic than the all-star game because there's more at stake and people will try.

My first pet peeve is the idiotic voting to determine its rosters and put together a game that no one really cares about under the guise of "giving the fans what they want". Trust me, NO ONE is getting what they want (except maybe the owner of the host team, who gets a ton of revenue with no risk because he can get the host city to cover his costs).

Part I: The Selection Process

The All-Star selection process is crap, and it always pisses me off. The wealthy teams in the big cities dominate the voting and get the most starters in. Either that, or the sentimental favorites will be voted in with no merit, and that robs more worthy players of being invited. This year was a huge abberation, I only noted 2 borderline selections (Paul LoDuca as the starting NL catcher over Brian McCann and Vlad Guerrero over Vernon Wells or Grady Sizemore in the AL outfield). And really, does David Ortiz really deserve to be on the ballot as a first baseman? The guy is a terrible fielder, and he's a DH. He played 5 games at 1B during the season, and he's on the ballot, while Jim Thome, who is in a similar situation but is a competent 1B is not on the ballot? Let's face it, in an NL home year, anyone who is a full time DH should not be on the ballot. That means Ortiz should be a write-in candidate AT BEST. Moreover, most years you see crap like Barry Bonds elected as a starter the 2005 All Star Game when he hadn't taken an at-bat all year, or the last 7 years of Cal Ripkin's career, where he was voted in to start at 3B, when he wasn't even the 5th best player at his position in the AL. You could make the argument that this is what the fans want. I make the argument that fans are complete idiots, and they stuff the ballot boxes for their hometown stars without giving a thought to the most deserving candidates. Generally, the fans do right on about 60% of the selections. That's not a percentage or a track record that I would trust. I mean really, if you got to have sex once a year, and only 60% of the time, your partner was able to please you, would you let them try again after 25+ years of that BS? HELLLLL NO! Seriously, this is the All-Star Game, not the All-Popular Game. The best players from THAT YEAR should go, not the guy who clinched the Hall of Fame 5 years ago and is sticking around for the paycheck.

Up Next: The Player/Manager Reserve Selections.

Mind Your Own Business, Beyotch!

2006-07-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

Every year for a combination Mother's Day/Father's Day gift, I take my parents out to dinner, then to a Phillies game. It's a good time, and we go without my brother, which means they'll have plenty of extra time to ask me lots of incessant questions about work and my social life that I really don't want to discuss. Due to unusually high attendance from Chase Utley t-shirt night, I couldn't score box seats, so we settled for 3rd row upper deck behind the plate. Up in the nosebleeds, you generally encounter a different class of fan. Given that it's Philadelphia, you expect rude, drunken jerks, though there are more subtle jackholes who piss me off...

Sitting next to me at the game was a somewhat portly woman. She wasn't "orca fat", but if we stood side-by-side, we would closely resemble the number '10' (if you get this joke, give yourself a cookie). I wouldn't call her morbidly obese, but her arm fat and gunt did invade my personal space. The conclusion: her mere presence was instantly annoying. To further incite my rage, she didn't watch the game, choosing instead to fiddle with her cell phone text messaging and such. While this crappy fan behavior is annoying, she at least paid her way into the park and supported the team that way. Anyways, my mother doesn't know a ton about baseball outside of the front page of the local paper, so she'll ask me about players and teams during the game, and I'll try to fill her in on the details. In the first inning, Jason Bay, the star player on the Pirates, came to the plate, and I explained that he was a star player and won the rookie of the year award in 2003 or 2004. The fat beyotch next to me is fiddling with her phone, then taps me on the shoulder to inform me that Bay won the 2004 RoY, then she read his stat line from that year. I was shocked that she bothered to speak to me at all. I was talking with other people, and she just hopped right into my conversation as if I had asked for her assistance. What the heck was with this woman?

Over the course of the evening, this woman interrupted me no fewer than 5 extra times with stats and her own opinions. For instance, I called Shea Stadium a craphole and the worst park in the major leagues. She told me that Oakland's stadium was way worse and gave a 3 minute speech about why. Later, I mentioned that Nick Swisher was a solid young hitter on my fantasy team, so she pointed out that he has been slumping lately, so I should trade him. Naturally, this dilusional, jerkish behavior pissed me off to no end. Finally, in the 7th inning, my mom asked why Ryan Howard, the Phillies first baseman, wasn't starting in the All Star Game. I told her that Albert Pujols was the best player in baseball and the leading vote-getter. I also mentioned that "Prince Albert" missed a good chunk of June with a muscle pull, but he was still near or at the top of the league in lots of hitting categories, including HR's. The fat beyotch fiddles with her cell phone for a minute, then says, "Wrong again. He only missed 15 days with a ribcage strain, and he homered today, so he's in first place in that category." That was the last straw! Here is the exchange that followed:

Me: Thanks for the info. I was wondering if you could check something up for me on your phone.
Fat Beyotch: What's that, dear?
Me: Why don't you look up how to go fahk yourself.
FB: EXCUSE ME?
Me: You heard me. Butt out of my conversations. Watch the game and shut up.
FB: (mutters under her breath)

Naturally, my parents were mortified, but I got to watch the last 2 1/2 innings of the game without the amateur statistician pestering my family with annoying commentary and her useless insights. Here's my take: If you go to a ballgame, you go to enjoy the ambiance and the ballpark. Friendly chatter is allowed and encouraged, but when it's plainly clear that people aren't interested in your stupid opinions, back off, mind your own business, and leave the other fans alone. If you really have something to say, start posting needless op-ed pieces on a friend's blog that nobody reads. Seriously, who in their right mind updates complete strangers on baseball facts without being asked? Only in Philadelphia...

More Kickball Idiocy...

2006-06-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sure all of you are aware of my vehement opposition to the silly, unnecessary, pathetic game called kickball (link). I thought I had said my peace, but just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in...

As you can read in this article from the Washington Citypaper, effective February 14, 2006, there is officially a federal lawsuit regarding kickball. To give you a brief synopsis, WAKA, the degenerate corporation that organizes the extensive population of gay retards who play kickball in the DC region (they claim to have 10,000 members), is seeking an immediate halt of operations from DC Kickball, a small competitor (400 members), PLUS $356,000 in compensatory and punitive damages. Why does WAKA assert that these damages are owed? First, WAKA alleges that DC Kickball "stole their intellectual property" because there are some overlapping rules. Included in these overlaps are: (i) all members must be 21 years or older to play, (ii) there must be at least 4 men and 4 women in the field, and (iii) the equipment and field dimensions are "similar". In addition to the intellectual property concerns, WAKA also claims that the founder of DC Kickball "defamed their good name" by calling them "The Microsoft of Kickball" in a separate Washington Citypaper article from May 2005. [Blogger's note: Considering the overwhelming popularity and power of Microsoft, I'm not really sure how this is a defamation or insult. However, I'm sure it wasn't what he said, but how he said it...]

According to the Sports Law Blog, this entire lawsuit is frivolous. I say no one with an IQ above 60 has to sit and think about this one to realize that the whole situation is outright ludicrous. We are all aware that anyone above the age of 14 playing competitive kickball is just plain pathetic. I have also maintained that unathletic metrosexual men use this purported "fun game" as a pickup attempt, which I found purely laughable. However, this situation just tops it all! I look at the WAKA, LLC v. DC Kickball lawsuit like this: WAKA is a large, established association of absolute retards with a membership of 10,000. They are suing a newer, smaller association of retards over their definition of the word "retard" and asking for damages because the smaller group called them "retards". Basically, this entire situation is nothing but pathetic hilarity. Only in America would something so useless as kickball waste the time and resources of the federal court system.

Total Medieval BS

2006-06-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

Excuse my recent hiatus from posting on this regal blog. I have actually been happy, and nothing has upset me to the point that I would need to vent and share with the rest of you. Thanks to the Medieval Times in Arundel Mills Mall (Columbia, MD), my rage and spite are at all-time highs!

I attended these festivities for a friend's birthday. It was a grand gathering, with jousting, some spear-throwing, cool horse tricks, and a campy, cheesy script. We were seated in the Yellow Knight's cheering section. Being the moron that I am, I wore my yellow paper crown with pride, and I entertained many of my fellow spectators by yelling insults to the knights on the field of "battle". For instance, the Green Knight had really long hair, so I told him to "get a haircut" because "the world doesn't run on love". I also relished yelling "You're my boy, BLUE!" to the Blue Knight. With my inspirational cheers for the Yellow Knight and howls of dissatisfaction against the competition (such as screaming, "YOU'RE GOING DOWWWWWWWWWWWN!!!!!" at the other knights), the Yellow Knight won the entire "fight to the death" tournament by defeating 3 other competitors and was declared the victor.

However, right when the Yellow Knight was about to take the victory sword, the evil traitor knight stabbed him in the stomach and killed him. All of a sudden, the Blue Knight, who got stabbed and nearly killed in the first battle of the tournament, made some sort of Willis Reid-like recovery and came out to defend the throne. Predictably, the knight who may or may not have had entrails managed to defeat the supposed "greatest fighter in the kingdom" to save the day. As a result, the King declared the Blue Knight the "new champion". THAT IS TOTAL CRAP!!! The Yellow Knight won 3 matches and got stabbed by a traitor. How does the King honor his fallen soldier? By giving his crown to some douchebag, whose life got saved by an act of mercy from a woman!!! Where's the justice in that?!?! I say the Blue Knight is a pussy, who won 1 battle. How can that compare to the Yellow Knight, who won 3? Where's his parade?

Unfortunately, I'm not the King. I don't make the rules. Still, I can't help but feel screwed over here. The Yellow Knight is the rightful winner, and he got passed over by a wussy douche, who spent time sleeping after he got his butt whooped fair and square. I demand a recount!!!!

Destroy "The Emasculator"!

2006-05-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

The Emasculator (n): Def: A deadly, devious force that exists solely to embarrass, harrass, and bankrupt the straight male residents of Washington, DC.

You may have seen this man in a restaurant or a bar. If you were on a date or trying to score, you may have purchased his wares and given him more money and more power. It is time for all men in the DC Metro Area to say, "Enough!" and take back their collective testicles from this dastardly "door-to-door" salesman. Anywhere in NW Washington, DC, you can find a short man of Middle Eastern descent going from bar to bar, restaurant to restaurant. In his hand, he holds a fistful of roses, which he sells for $3-5 apiece to men looking for any way to improve their chances of copulation. DO NOT BUY FLOWERS FROM HIM!!! His mere existence is and insult to masculinity in general.

Some of you will say, "Well, he's just trying to make a living like the rest of us." I say you're completely full of crap. Sure, everyone has the right to make an honest living, but I don't respect people who profit from making me uncomfortable. When The Emasculator approaches, any guy who is trying to hit on or date any girl is immediately put on the spot with a VERY difficult decision: On one hand, if you don't buy a rose, you look like a cheap douchebag, which pretty much kills your chances. On the other hand, if you do buy one, chances are she may or may not appreciate the gesture, but you're still in the game. What's perhaps worse, she now knows that you like her, which means your game is shattered, and you lose your chance to be on equal footing with her for quite a long time. While buying a rose for a girl may lead to short term physical benefits, the long term ill effects to one's masculinity are clearly not worth it. At the end of the day, The Emasculator puts every man in a no-win situation: Either overpay for a rose and look like a nice guy or decline the opportunity and look like a dick.

I have nothing against The Emasculator personally. In fact, I think his business is pretty ingenius. However, I am always inclined to act against him constantly in order to preserve my testicular fortitude. Early in any romantic encounter I have, I make him a topic of conversation during a date and make my beliefs about him clearly known. That way, when he inevitably interrupts a future conversation, and I tell him to get lost, I look like a man of principles rather than a cheap jerk. Of course, this strategy backfires with wiley women, who have the tendency to call The Emasculator over, then make a fake fuss when I politely decline his services. When I look back on it, the small amount of embarrassment there is much less painful than the damage to my soul and psyche if I give in and pay for a rose.

Performance Review

2006-05-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

Friday night, Barking Bug gave me his opinion of my entries to date on this blog...

Boycott Comcast!!! Part 3: Slaying the Beast

2006-04-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

After a brief hiatus, I will now finalize my Comcast Boycott with Part 3. As time goes by, you hate Comcast more and more. They overcharge for disgusting products, offer no help at all, and they will do all they can do screw with you until you give up and just stop caring or get pissed off and switch to another provider. When you finally make the decision to give Comcast the "Dear John" letter it so surely deserves, they sink their claws in. It's like trying to dump a longtime girlfriend who has used you for years without giving anything back. Over the course of your relationship, she has gotten lots of money, shelter, tax savings, and plenty of attention from you with minimal investment on her part. Of course, she has absolutely no interest in letting her meal-ticket walk away.

When you call to cancel service, the ever so helpful customer service person will make a vain attempt to keep you. They question you why you are leaving and make a pathetic attempt to gather information to make it more helpful. And by more helpful, I mean they will use this data to make their services even more frustrating and user-detrimental. With the idiotic "survey" out of the way, they then get angry and essentially cut you off ASAP. Case and point: I told Comcast I was moving on 3/31/06 and asked service to be cut 4/1. What did they do? Cut my service 3/31/06, citing the "billing cycle". What a joke? Of course, they tried to bill me through 4/1/06. I called them out on that crap, and saved a hearty $5. Take that!

As a last annoyance, once you terminate your service, they make you go to them to return your cable box and high speed modem. To be specific, Comcast has a grand total of 2 return centers for equipment in the DC area. One is in Landover, MD. The other is in Springfield, VA just off the 395 Van Dorn Exit. Neither is Metro accessible. Neither is convenient for anyone other than those who live in Landover or Springfield. In other words, if you are living paycheck to paycheck and have no car, you will spend no less than $20 in round trip bus and metro fare to return a box that costs Comcast $25 to purchase and works about 15% of the time. Isn't that just grand? To continue with the bitter ex-girlfriend analogy, it's like your scorned lover making you haul her worthless crap to her instead of picking it up herself. Naturally, you live far away, and she will make it as difficult as possible. While the spite factor is nice, I like to do the spiting, not the other way around!

Well, I finally got away from Comcast. As a final burn against them, my housemates and I forced them to bring in a private contractor to hook up their lousy internet product. For $50, he successfully gave us a special connection provided us both extra high speed connection, PLUS free Comcast cable. So, take that Comcast! From hell's heart, I stab at thee!!!

Kickball Is NOT a Sport!!!

2006-04-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

If you go out walking during the spring or summer in Washington, DC, you will see many things. Cherry blossoms, marble monuments glistening in the sun, kids flying kites, and tourists looking at maps to figure out where the Washington Monument is (seriously, just look up...). If you're looking to get pissed off, you can wander down anywhere between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument and see burgeoning crowds of retards playing organized kickball. When I see these throngs of idiots screaming, yelling, and getting into fights over a game that any person with functional legs and an IQ of 40 can excel at, it makes my soul hurt.

Let's face it. Elementary schoolers play kickball in gym class because they're not coordinated enough to play any real sports in any valuable way. With kickball, the ball is big enough that even the girliest metrosexual can do well. The fact is, if you consider yourself an athlete and are proud to play kickball, you should be shot. You should derive no pride from such an activity. If you want to meet potential sexual partners and drink beer, go to the bar and meet potential sexual partners and drink beer. Don't ruin everyone's good time with your stupid little game, then defend it like it's your first born son. It's a fun little game, but keep it to yourselves. If you're not talented enough to play a real sport, don't do the rest of us a disservice by playing a meaningless game.

Admittedly, I do play slow pitch softball in the same area. While I take myself way too seriously in these games, I do not go so far as to call it a sport or be completely proud of my involvement in these leagues. To me, it's a good way to be mildly competitive, get outside in the summertime, and enjoy some frosty beverages. The fact that I am hyper-obsessed with my own involvement does not say anything about softball. I consider it a semi-sport because there is some skill involved with being a good player. However, kickball involves no skill at all. It's a lot like fishing on the Chesapeake and just reeling in the ones you catch. It's kind of satisfying in a way, but in a much more real and accurate way, you are actually a retard and should spend your time and efforts elsewhere.

In conclusion, if you play in a kickball league, you should be castrated or receive a hysterectomy. The fact is that the people playing this retarded game are collectively dumbing down America. They should definitely not procreate and should maybe be rounded up and deported. Kickball is a game that lacks masculinity or brains. Maybe Canada will be more supportive...

New Rule: No Fat Bastards in the Buffet Line

2006-04-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

All of you know that obesity is a problem in America. You have fat, slovenly parents raising obese, lazy children. Kids eat crap all day long, don't exercise, and the parents stand by and do nothing. Diabetes and respiratory issues are on the rise across the population. Sure, you can be a complete retard and blame the food purveyors, , processed foods, and unhealthy products in supermarkets, but I'm not one to take the side of those who cry and whine about things that they have 100% control over. Yes, McDonalds tastes good, but if you eat it all the time, you're going to have more heart problems than the Vice President. Complaining that you have no choice or that you don't know is also BS. Let's see: Your burger's wrapper is translucent because of the grease content in your dinner. You think maybe it's a tad unhealthy?

Obesity may be a disease, but if people made better choices, they would be healthier. Period. One of the things that pisses me off more than anything is to see a fat bastard in line at a buffet loading his baked potato with 3 cups of sour cream, while he loads up a separate plate with fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, grits, pork rinds, and sauteed onions, with a side of lard. Come on! You weigh 400 lbs and sweat while putting ketchup on a hamburger bun, so going to a buffet is going to make it better? Where's the logic? Where's the foresight? The idiocy of people is astonishing at times. Sure, not everyone can be thin, but anyone with an IQ over 60 can see that an obese family at a buffet is completely retarded. I don't care if you are happy with how you look or not. You may have the freedom to do what you please, but killing yourself with chicken wings and mayo is completely irresponsible. The government is worried about illegal immigration, terrorism, tax cuts, the economy, gun control, crime, and education. If they put some controls on foodstuffs and restaurants, people would be better off.

My suggestion: Buffets and fast food joints should have a new rule: If the customer waddles when he/she walks, cannot see his/her toes, has a belt around his/her waist that supports the gut instead of the pants, is sweating while standing in line, or reminds you of Shamu, you deny them service. Sure, the bottom line may suffer slightly, but since you're going to be sued by these fat bastards when they have their 8th heart attack anyway, you might as well cut your losses now!

Boycott Comcast!!! Part 2: Their "Technical Support"

2006-04-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

Now that you have gone through the unnecessarily difficult step of setting up a service appointment, the wait begins. The way I see it, all Comcast "technicians" must go through extensive training. After all, it is impossible to be that that completely incompetent without learning from some sort of expert! Here are The Rules of Being a Comcast Service Technician:

1. To be on time is to provide good customer service, so don't do it at any costs. The fact remains that no matter what time you schedule your service appointment for, they will be late. And by late, I mean they won't show up, making you have to call their idiotic customer service hotline, which is useless (unless you're looking to raise your blood pressure). In fact, by the time the technician gets to your abode, you don't even want cable anymore, but you've made the effort, gone through hell, and now it's a matter of pride. Little do you know your adventure is just beginning...

2. If you speak no English, you're more likely to upset the customer, which is good. When the technician finally calls to give you a time estimate, you're very lucky if he speaks English because he's going to get lost and will need help. It may or may not be corporate policy to send the English-speaking technicians to nonEnglish-speaking households. Starting a signal fire on your roof or living next door to the person tend to help things. [Blogger's note: I have a friend moving soon. As a housewarming gift, I'm giving him Spanish and Swaheli-to-English Dictionary, so he can communicate with Comcast.]

3. If you mess up the initial installation, the company still makes money, and you will still have a job as a technician. This is just good business from a technician's end. It's win-win for Comcast, and the customer loses. This seems to be Comcast's corporate mission... Case and point: a good friend of mine ordered Comcast in Silver Spring. The service tech was 5 hours late, then determined her digital converter box wasn't working, so she didn't get the product she ordered. When the technician left, the cable was super fuzzy, and it started to get worse. After a week of waiting for a new appointment, a more experienced person came out and determined that the installer had hooked her cable up to Starpower (a competing cable service), which was why the cable box didn't work!

4. Regardless of whether you can help or not, make up any excuse you can to not provide service. It's more frustrating for the customer that way. This can be accomplished in many ways. You could say that the building's wiring is faulty, or the cable jacks don't work. Or, if the technician sees subscribe to a rival service, blame them. My current housemates and I decided to free ourselves from the idiocy of a Comcast cable subscription, but we still agreed to overpay for high speed internet. When our technician arrived, the DirecTV was set up. The Comcast tech told us he could not set up internet because the DirecTV guy had "used all of the cable ports" in the house. Hmm... our high speed internet couldn't be set up because the satellite television used the cable ports. Does this sound retarded to anyone else?

5. If you haven't pissed off the customer, you really aren't trying. The newest Comcast BS. Barking Bug miraculously "lost" some of his HD channels. Because he has a sweet TV, he overvalues the HD signal. However, like me, he highly undervalues Comcast in general and has agreed that they must be obliterated. Anyway, Barking Bug called up the retards in the customer service center and convinces them (after 40 minutes of moaning) to send a technician out. The guy arrives yesterday (4/15), looks at the TV, looks at the cable box, and says, "I don't know what's wrong. I'm not sure why they sent me out here. I can't help you." and left. Oh, I'm sorry. Your job is supposed to be finding problems, determining a solution, and fixing them. Excuse the rest of the world for expecting you to be able to help...

Boycott Comcast!!!! Part 1: Their "Customer Service"

2006-04-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

The DC Region is under the control of a monster, Comcast Cable. This corporate juggarnaut is polluting the media environment with crappy, overpriced cable and incredibly expensive (but effective) high speed internet. If you live in DC and watch TV, chances are you have been pissed off, cast aside, or put into bankruptcy by this insideous corporate creature. Digital signal or not, cable (with DVR) and internet should not cost $180 a month! There are three major categories, why everyone on Earth should boycott this miserable corporate entity: 1. Their "Customer Service". 2. Their "Technicians". And 3. Slaying The Beast. Naturally, each of these categories includes many reasons why Comcast is a worthless company that should be brought down. Over the next several days, I will stoke the fires of a formal boycott against this horrendously overrated and un-needed corporation. We must bring them down in the name of justice and consumer rights!!! The problem here is, despite all of the crap they throw out to their customers, we generally have no choice... It is up to all of us to destroy this horrible, worthless company. The services they provide are valuable, but they contribute nothing but stress and annoyance to our lives, and for that they should be destroyed!!!

Their "Customer Service":

The madness and frustration begins from when you pick up the phone to set up service. Most times, you have to wait 10-15 mintues to make a service appointment. Since they are often the only cable/internet provider in your building, they can afford to employ the most frustrating automated phone system in the history of man. There are few options, and they never direct you to the right place.

Once you get through to a customer service person, you are then asked to repeat the nature of your call. Seriously, if I just went through the oversimplistic, idiotic automated menu, you should ALREADY KNOW WHY I AM CALLING! Having wasted all that time, the "customer service" person then proceeds to deride and sarcastically mock you, as if to say, "You are stupid enough to call here and order our ludicrously low quality products at a price that you have no choice but to pay. I will now laugh in your face as I overcharge you for service that may or may not work..." These people act as if your mere presence is a huge inconvenience. Yes, you jerk, taking down my information to set up service (and add money to your corporate cofers) is truly a slight against you as a person. Shut up, cut your BS attitude, take down my information, and move on to the next victim, er, I mean customer. They give you crap and 'tude just for setting up service. Just imagine how pleasant they are when something goes wrong! For more horror stories, click here.

As you are subjected to the rudest treatment ever just to set up your account, their "customer service" personnel proceeds to mispell your first and last name, then confuse the two. No, my name is not Smith John, you moron!!! After correcting them 3 times, the partially educated person will then make you spell out your street address letter by letter, as if you were talking to a foreign exchange student. Once you go through it for the 4th time, they will finally give some sort of vague estimate of when you can be overcharged for crappy service. Something like, "I know you have nothing better to do than take time off work and sit around your home waiting for us. Can you be there from now until 2 weeks from Friday from 8 AM-4 PM?" Naturally, you have no choice but to comply. These bastards sit there and collect so much money from everyone, yet they fail to provide even the slightest amount of convenience or help. If you can, boycott this evil, awful company until they provide their consumers with something of value. Since that will never happen, find a better cable and internet provider!

Tomorrow: Part 2, Their "Technical Support"

Osaka Sushi Goes to Hell

2006-04-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

Until today, one of my favorite places to eat lunch was Osaka Sushi & Coffee, which is right next door to my office in McPherson Square. They offer an odd blend of food--quality sushi, organic/health foods, and gourmet coffees. I would go there at least once a week for their #2 Special (1 tuna roll, 1 salmon roll, 4 pieces of sushi, and miso soup for $9.50). It was a healthy, filling meal, and it was consistently awesome. In fact, for a sushi lunch, it was pretty dirt cheap and perhaps the best deal in town. However, about 2 month ago, they came under new management, and the changes began. In that time, they have gone from a favorite to a banned eatery deserving of my wrath!

After consulting the manual on how to piss the Email Demon off, they have made the following changes since January 2006:

1. Management raised prices. This was understandable, given they were probably making next to nothing on every meal to begin with. Still, this was a $2 price jack. Very sneaky stuff. This move reeked of profiteering, and it irked me, especially as a Jew. Despite my better judgement, I continued to eat there 2-3 times a month. After all, good sushi close by is good sushi close by...

If that were the end of things, I wouldn't be so angered right now.

2. They put up a completely new menu and eliminated their standard specials in favor of smaller portions at the same price. Within 2 weeks after the price hike, they were offering smaller portions for the same high price. Now, instead of being a great deal, it was standard fare: slightly above market price for good sushi. At that point, what would keep me coming back? Heck, I can overpay for decent sushi at Cafe Asia. At least they offer surprise "prizes" in each roll. And by prizes, I mean little shards of plastic that will cut your mouth open. Seriously, why should I show loyalty to an establishment when I'm getting a raw deal (no pun intended)?

3. They stopped including miso soup with the special menus. This was annoying, but bearable, as the weather is getting warmer. Free miso is awesome, but having to pay extra is BS. In the end, when you can please your customers by giving them soup that costs probably 10 cents to make, you keep offering the soup. It's just common sense!

4. Two weeks ago, they dropped another bomb: No more little plastic cups of soy sauce for customers to take and use. Instead of getting the exact right amount of soy sauce, they now offer tiny packets. It is not only enfuriating to open these little things, but you NEVER get enough soy sauce. You think 6 packets is enough, but when you get only 3 drops per unit, it is a woeful time. Trust me, it is a total disappointment to have to eat sushi without soy sauce. I know there are limits to "the customer is always right", but this is total BS. Making me struggle with an impossibly small amount of soy sauce is punishable with death. They truly are playing with fire here!

5. The last straw came today. They opted to no longer make their own wasabi. Thats right, a sushi restaurant served me wasabi in a little soy sauce-esque package. When I combined the over-processed wasabi with the maddeningly meager amount of soy sauce, the whole mixture tasted contrived and without heart. My meal was totally ruined. What kind of sushi restaurant would do itself and its customers the disservice of offering wasabi in packet form? Where is the honor in paying some Japanese company a pittance to perform a service you can do yourself. That would be like owning your own cracker factory and going out and buying boxes of Triscits to serve to your guests at a party... Part of the charm of any japanese restaurant is that almost all of its sauces and ingrediants are prepared in house. This is an absolute disgrace, and I cannot allow it to stand!

Bottom line: I cannot imagine the cost savings they are realizing by making the soy sauce and wasabi changes, but it is not worth the loss of quality that their product has suffered. I have now placed Osaka Sushi & Coffee on my banned restaurants list. Of course, in 4 weeks, I will go back there and get pissed off again (ala Subway), but perhaps this post will serve as a strong enough reminder that I won't fall into the trap!

SportsCenter Jumps The Shark

2006-04-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

Originally, Sports Center ("SC") existed to show sports highlights from around the country and the world on a fledgling cable network called ESPN. In the mid 80's to early 90's, the show grew in popularity with the emergence of sportscasting legends Chris Berman, Bob Lee, Dan Patrick, Craig Kilborn, and Rich Eisen, with up and coming stars Kenny Mayne and Stuart Scott. [Blogger's Note: Chris Berman has fallen from stardom like Tori Spelling. He lives off his prior reputation, he offers nothing to any show he's on, and he gets paid ludicrously well for sucking at life. While Berman was instrumental in building SC into a franchise, he now offers nothing to sports or sports entertainment.] The show was a hodgepodge of great bits, amazing writing, and it was driven by the anchor personalities. It wasn't about advertising or market share, it was about good TV and a solid broadcast. ESPN built a monopoly by hiring the best talent and putting out the best broadcast. I used to watch it 3 times a day in middle school, high school, and college...

Flash forward to 2006, and the show has long-since become a parody of itself. The legendary anchors have moved on with their own failed projects, and the new generation of sportscasters have become self-centered douchebags more concerned with their own exposure than the quality of their work. The writing is painfully cliched, the show is formulaic, and the anchors, with few exceptions, don't seem to have any passion. Let's not forget that there are so many sports being televised these days, that the anchors can't even devote enough time to sports anyone cares about. Do you think I care who won the Texas Regional 4H Club Sheep Humping Contest? NO! I want the major sports, college athletics, and interesting stuff. Trust me, no one needs to see the guy in Bangledesh who runs straight into an elephant's anus. This may be good TV, but it has its place on FOX. The Budweiser Hot Seat, the Coors Light Sixpack Bullet Points, and all the other idiotic promotions annoy the hell out of me. And let's not forget that every 3 minutes of crappy television product must be matched with 2 minutes of even worse advertisements. ESPN: Just because you essentially have a monopoly doesn't mean you are not responsible to put out a quality broadcast. Get off your butts, hire some quality talent, play the highlights, and cut the commercials, product placements, and cheesy question segments. No one cares about them. Get back to the basics, use your capabilities, and give the consumer a good show.

I tried to reach Sports Center to comment on this piece, but the show claimed to be doing more important things...

Email Demon Warewolf?

2006-03-29T10:25:00.001-08:00

Something has happened to me. I have changed somehow. Normally, I am a somewhat masculine, friendly, collegial force in the world, able to laugh at myself and handle my business like an adult. However, I have no choice but to turn myself in, guilty of crimes against masculinity. In the face of tremendous stress from my upcoming move, office deadlines, and personal situations, I took a few little jokes at my expense wayyyyyy out of proportion and lashed out bitterly at 2 close friends. I have become the Email Demon Warewolf. I'm a lot like a normal warewolf, except instead of growing excess body hair, acting like an animal, and biting people, I grow ovaries, behave like a menopausal woman, and send biting emails to friends, where I cry and whine about how poorly they treat me. It is quite odd. I remain a man, but I am prone to short bursts of feminist tyranny, where I judge people unfairly, act irrationally, and behave emotionally. And, to top it off, I will demand an apology from those I wronged when I am done. I can't say for sure whether or not this constitutes some sort of super power, but when I get the blood test results back from the lab, I'll be sure to let you all know.

In the meantime, there is a gang of angry villagers with pitch forks and torches after me. I can only hope they will recognize that I am not a monster. I was just temporarily female and didn't know my own estrogenic strength. I can only throw myself before the mercy of my fellow men. I did the crime, now I must do the time: 7 years of ridicule, a fine of one lunch for friends at The Bottom Line, and 2 years probation. It's not too late: Only you can prevent male menstration.

What Would Jesus Drive?

2006-03-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

Perhaps some of you have seen the eco-advertisements about "What Would Jesus Drive?" The eco-dorks out there think that they can save the environment by duping the Jesus freaks into buying hybrids and other efficient automobiles instead of gas-guzzling SUV's. What an absolute joke! While I am no fan of SUV's, perverting the teachings of Jesus and the Church as a way to shift the buying patterns of the American public is pathetic and really quite douche-y. First of all, if people really cared about saving the environment, there would be no SUV's in the first place, and the metropolitan public transit systems would be packed (moreso). Secondly, as a Jew with a great deal of spite, I am insulted that they would target my Christian friends and neighbors but wouldn't try to force their beliefs on me! The nerve! I would be more inclined than ever to purchase an SUV now, were it not for the fact that they cost too much, are incredibly inefficient, gas prices are too high, and they are ugly machines. They got lucky with me, but what about the millions of others who could care less about Jesus (or what he would drive)? News flash: If you are a part of this movement, you are a complete loser and might have an extra chromosome. I think the Barking Bug would call you an "ecotard".

In closing, I can tell you exactly what Jesus would drive: Let's see, he's from the Middle East. He doesn't speak English. He's religious. He has some weird ideas about philosophy. I say he'd drive a taxi! That's what I say, and the next time you see one of those douchebags with some of that propaganda, but sure to tell him that, plus that he's full of crap!

Winning the Battle at Subway

2006-03-27T11:06:00.000-08:00

I just finished eating a footlong Subway sandwich, and let me tell you: I am kind of full, but in general completely unsatisfied. No matter how many times this eatery fails to meet my expectations, I can't help going back there, only to be pissed off again. Now I know exactly how you people feel when you come to read this blog... Today, I thought to myself, "Hmm, I haven't been to Subway in about 6 weeks. They'll make me a 12 inch sandwich with anything I want on it for $6. It's totally worth it!" I got in line, and smelled the bread. That's really how they reel you in. That bread smells so good, that the franchise is able to trick millions into believing that what they serve you is worth the price. It's a clever ruse, but today, I was having none of it. As soon as they started making my sandwich, I got pissed off. Who in their right mind puts 3 slices of turkey on a sub roll and calls it a sandwich? That's just complete BS! You know what I call 3 slices of turkey on a roll? A decent start, now double that amount, and maybe I'll consider paying for it!

When they tried to short me my fair share of turkey today, I asked for a little more, and there seemed to be no problem. When I got to the register, they tried to charge me $1.50 extra for "more meat". COME ON!!! Subway thinks it can charge me $1.50 because they had to put more than zero turkey on my turkey sandwich? I was insulted and refused to pay the extra money, so the illiterate, illegal immigrant cashier called in the manager. He tried to reason with me, but he clearly underestimated my desire to pay nothing for 2 extra slices of some substance that may or may not contain actual turkey. I was defiant. I was a pain in the butt. I held up the line for 5 minutes and basically pissed off everyone in the store. In the end, Subway Restaurants are quite lucky that my silence can be bought. They released me from the $1.50 obligation and sent me on my way. Of course, they got even when their pathetic footlong sub failed to meet my expections. Still, the moral of the story: If you ever want anything from a Subway restaurant, feel free to throw a hissy fit like a 4 year old in a toy store, and you can achieve your dreams of free meat!

Chivalry Is Dead

2006-03-23T11:06:00.000-08:00

Any morning where the Metro is delayed and/or crowded, it usually leads to a chance for me to witness interesting conversations or to encounter people so revolting that it would make for an great story. Today, I managed to experience both simultaneously. At the Pentagon Metro stop on the blue line train, a morbidly obese woman riding a Rascal scooter and her equally attractive friend trudged crushed their way into the car. Blimp #1 instantly decided to take her fat aggression out on some other passengers by driving her scooter into the backs of their legs, then beeping her annoying little horn at them in disgust. Her friend, Blimp #2, not wanting to miss out on pissing off everyone in sight, set her personality on "aggravate" and set out to find a place to sit in the still-crowded car by waddling up to those sitting down and glowering at them. Mind you, this "woman" had hair that looked like a bird's nest and a face that might look better if I dumped a vial of acid over her head. Seriously, the next time I have inconvenient arousal, she will be in my thoughts. Regardless, I was quite proud that no one on the train gave up their seat in light of her overall rude and disgusting demeanor.

Undaunted, Blimp #2 took the audacity up a notch, aggressively charging at the only man in the area with a seat like he was the ice cream man. She howled at him, "You have some nerve, sir! I'm here with my friend, and she is enfeebled! I am helping her out, and those seats are reserved for the handicapped and elderly. If you were any kind of gentleman, you would see my friend's situation and give me your seat!" (I note that while she had the gait of a penguin and the girth of a beluga whale, this woman was ambulatory and quite capable of standing.) He did not immediately respond. Growing even angrier, the woman screamed to the entire train, "CHIVALRY IS DEAD! DO YOU PEOPLE HEAR ME?!?!?! DEAD!!!!" With a slight smile on his face, the gentleman stood up, took out his cane, and swung it back and forth as he walked away to give the wench his seat. He was blind! This obnoxious pig of a woman didn't even thank him! Despite my disgust with the situation, I still had a good laugh at her expense while she shot me evil looks. Chivalry may be dead, my dear, but I think you killed it...

I tried to reach these lovely ladies for further comment, but all I got back was this picture from their trip to Goofy's Trailer Park...

JJ Redick: Douchiness Unchecked

2006-03-20T08:31:00.000-08:00

Perhaps some of you have heard of a college named Duke and a player named JJ Redick (see link for more info). They really don't have much success, so maybe they have flown under your radar. Well, Mr. Redick is a bigger crybaby than me trying to deal with a flat tire. This fuckstain is a preening, whining, bitchy, cockmaster. He has some talent, but he also has an unrealistic expectation that whenever he misses a shot, some eggregious offense must have occurred. Hey, JJ: You're playing basketball. This isn't a noble cause or anything. Lighten up, and realize that you're just a pretentious pansy with a limp wrist. No need to fly off the handle like a bipolar woman who is on the rag. He also sucks the blood of asian babies to retain his vitality. I can't give confirmation, but I can only assume it's true.

In case you don't read Sports Illustrated or its website regularly, check out the latest from this no talent ass-clown. In addition to being an ass-ramming dickwad and a bigger pussy than Barking Bug in a physical altercation, JJ Redick loves to write meaningless, shallow, douchebag poetry. I perused these selections, and I must note a line in the last poem: "I gave inspiration to Dr. ML King/I'm the reason Ray Charles can sing." WHAT A DICK! Yes, a white, pussified dicklicker from Roanoke, VA, who makes his name shooting a basketball really has any business mentioning himself as an inspiration to two tremendously influential black men who did more by taking a shit than he ever will in his entire life. FUCK HIM!!! Man, do I wish Mrs. Redick's health plan back in the day included an option for abortion...

Here's a better poem for this unconscionable dried-up, dicklicking mother fucker. Maybe SI can publish this one in their next issue:

The Officials give me every call/
Because I give reach around and suck the dick.
I think I'm better than I am/
Because I'm a fucking prick.

In my spare time, I eat the ass of/
Any reporter who touts my name.
I'm JJ Redick, the biggest douche/
The universe has ever seen!

Enter The Email Demon

2006-03-19T21:02:00.000-08:00

As the sole reader of barkingbug.com, the benevolent operator gave me the power to incite his own rage with some additional commentary. Most of you may know me as the Email Demon (picture to the left). I can generally be found carrying a pile of desheveled papers, wearing a yellow shirt with grey pants, and jumping in and out of computer screens while striking a heroic pose. People often ask me, doesn't it hurt to jump through all those computer monitors? Well, yes, but when you're committed to a cause, you have to go for it! But there's more to me than just fighting corporate productivity and wasting company assets. I enjoy misconstruing comments and making bizarre references. In a way, I'm a lot like Steve Gutenberg in 3 Men and a Little Lady. See? There I go again! It's like a power I just can't control... I also spend my time rooting for minor league basketball teams that have no shot of winning the national title and making plans in advance, then bitching out for no reason. Like that time I decided not to come out to dinner because it was Passover, and there was nothing on the menu I could eat...

However, whether you know it or not, I exist primarily to bring stress, rage, and annoyance to the Barking Bug whenever he is emailing while at work (generally 8:30 AM-5:3o PM, Monday through Friday, with an hour for lunch each day). One might hope that my own rants and raves on this piddling website/blog might be enough to spur the Barking Bug to find a purpose in life. You know, get around to actually building the site (which he has been planning for oh, 6 months)or maybe even making some posts that are actually worth reading. At the very least, we can try to keep the Barking Bug from creating and constantly updating his hypothetical fantasy baseball models on MS Excel that are based on theoretical statistics + the opinions of others made in the name of selling books. In other words, we've reached the end of the line here...

Pass the garlic powder, biatch!!

2006-03-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

The Secret Society of the Garlic People has been discovered in Washington, DC--and you will not get what they have without either an ill-advised fight, or the uncanny ability to run and cower like a small girl.

Driven by delusions of adequacy, these large, angry douchetards will guard the city's garlic powder supply with every ounce of drunken misdirection in their ogreish souls.

I recently came across an agent of this occult, and was surprised by his unusually small size. Overjoyed at the thought that I had the upperhand, I pressured him to give up the goods, going so far as to demand he "pass the garlic powder, biatch!!" How foolish I was. This group has not survived as long as they have without street smarts and a backup plan. Almost immediately, I was attacked by two much larger men. Panicked and desperate, I focused all of my energy on cowering and running as if I were a small ballerina. While progress was made, it seemed I was only delaying the inevitable... In fact, the only reason I am still here to tell the tale is thanks to the grace of the "pizza keeper", who provided some sort of magical back door outta there, if you will...

Douche Open Seeks Sponsor

2006-02-28T19:24:00.000-08:00

The inaugural season of the world douche tour will probably begin on Saturday, March 11, 2006. I say probably, because one of the douche bags in question may have to stay at home due to chronic douchiness. It seems his parent may have to come down and help him pack so he can move into a new house that as of this point does not exist. This is surely a sign that his status on the douche tour is well deserved.

Anyhow, given that the other douches will badger him into senselessness, including repeated kicks to his alleged junk, its safe to assume the event will go on as planned. To that end, I am making an urgent plea for sponsorship on this fast approaching event. Sponsorship is easy and rewarding. Please send a bottle of unopened hard liqueur to Barking Bug, 1200 N. veitch St., apt. 808, Arlington, VA, 22201. Money would be accepted, but that would be somewhat gay, so just send the booze. Do this and you will receive all sorts of sponsorship shit, a free barkingbug.com email address, a blog entry, a punch in the face, and any sort of other bullshit that is easy for me to do.

I'd elaborate, but the wife is bitching at me -- bedtime is calling.

You like exoskeleton?

2006-02-23T20:21:00.000-08:00

Can someone explain to my why restaurants insist on serving shrimp with a rigid, sharp tail still attached? I took a fancy cooking class today because my mom thought that signing me up would be a good birthday present... This was my big chance to get the answer that has haunted me for years -- I asked the instructor. Unfortunately, she COMPLETELY bsed me. She said it helps the shrimp keeps its form and that she and others actually eat the tail. Can you say "bullshit?" This insufficient answer resulted in a certain amount of rage, and so naturally I was determined to be a bit of a jackass moving forward. And given that I am a bit of a jackass in general, I would imagine I was more of a grade A jackass. Screaming when I was chopping peppers as if I had cut my finger badly was just the start. I also enjoyed pretending to slam my head against the hanging pots and pans, as well as burning myself on the stove. Ahhh.. good times. Personally, my favorite moment was not any of that, but personal reflection--at one point I had to stick my hand into a big pot of stewed tomatoes in order to squish them for about 5-10 minutes to get our creole ready ... and I thought to myself, "how funny is it that I've spent at least this much time today scratching my balls with the same hand?" to me, it just doesn't get too much better than that.

Today's morale of the story -- leaving the tail on shrimp is bullshit.

In other news, the email demon is now in hiding and life as I know it may never be the same as a result.

Email Demon

2006-02-22T18:45:00.000-08:00

This man is bad. He is a bad, bad person. He's evil enough that the devil himself warns his kids not to go near that "bad man." And by bad, I mean both bad and gay, not that there is anything wrong with being gay, that is more of a coincidence.

This bean-flicking demontoid is guilty of just about every sin against humanity you can imagine, but my concern today is his obnoxiously bad email skills. I suppose we all get writers block now and then, but there is nothing worse than when some jackass decides he has to insert his one line comments which 1) address almost nothing that has been addressed in the previous email, 2) involve less than no humor, 3) contain no informational value, 4) get shorter when the object of his manlove for upstate newyorkers is home sick.

If anyone out there offers email etiquette classes, perhaps this is your ultimate challenge. Just keep in mind that his mastery of the art of boredom has put me to sleep more than once and regularly causes unexpected bowel movements.

He is a very, very bad indeed (and don't forget that means both bad, and coincidentally, gay).

I Fucking Hate Onions

2006-02-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

Apparently I sometimes say "fucking" too much, or at least that is what my girlfriend would fucking say. I claim to be saying the much more socially acceptable "fakking," which no doubt gets its roots from the stupid fucks in boston. Any fucking way, I somehow found myself trapped into agreeing to pay 50 fucking cents to the girl every time I say "fuck", with or without the "ing." Its probably a bad fucking habit anyhow, so it may be good that I stop. In agreeing to this, I was able to get her to pay me 50 cents every time she tries to fucking feed me onions. Well worth it since I fucking hate onions. Now mind you, I am a lazy fuck and she makes all the food so I should be fucking grateful, and I am. I eat every fucking thing she gives me and always try to be as nice as I fucking can be. I really don't even like saying the fucking word, but I thought I'd take this opportunity to write it down over and over again just based on principle, as there is no penalty for writing it down.

So far she owes 2 bucks, and im down 1bout $10.50, but that is only becuase I went on a profanity laced tirade on Saturday night when she wanted to borrow 10 fucking dollars, which I was happy to do.

In conclusion, fuck you all.

When You Control Poop, You Control "Information"

2006-02-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

First let me say if you are reading this entry, and therefore leaving a photo of a piece of nasty shit on your computer, you've got problems.

Anyhow, you ever get stuck working late at work writing something that you are pretty sure no one is ever going to read? Well, me too. And the last time I realized I had used the word "information" 14 times in one paragraph. So I think "Time for a different word, time the Thesaurus on Dictionary.com. " Soon, I find myself looking at these synonyms at 8 pm with my eyes beginning to glaze over, thinking "is it me, or are all of these words shit?" I mean the first group of words included "ammo?" Really? And then I realized it was time to call it a day when shit really did come into play. The word "poop" is actually listed on Dictionary.com/Thesaurus.com as a synonym for "information. No shit, you can even see for yourself.

After going home I decide I would do a little studding by examining this image of my own poop. If I suddenly seem smarter, you'll know why...

Move your bag, you old bag!

2006-02-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

Its bad enough getting stuck at work late only have to deal with another delayed subway--dont make me stand there on oddly long escalators because you are too much of a retard to move your bag out of the way, you old bag.

Today I politely squeazed by this lame bag lady and she gives me an "excuuuuuse me!?!" Well, Steve Martin, why don't you excuse my balls.

Bottom line, if you put the bag out there, Im going to hit that shit and I hope everyone else does the same.

Ikea Sucks

2006-02-10T19:51:00.000-08:00

Some people like IKEA because they enjoy putting all the little crappy pieces together. But you can do that with lots of places--IKEA is just the only one that also breaks all the shit for you as well.

Most everyone already knows that crap from IKEA is lucky to make it past their 45 day return policy, but recently I've descoverd that at the 6 month mark they will actually send over a fat bastard to sit on your junk and/or bash it in with his cane until it is no longer funtional. Everything about Ikea sucks. I implore you all to go there and buy crap and then return it a month later in order to screw them and their fat bastards.

Groundbreaking Legal News?

2006-02-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

My GMA from upstate NY forwarded this interesting clip today along with the words "should have kept Fluttie." I hope no one finds this offensive.

Buffalo, New York (AP) -
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of an Erie County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Buffalo Bills, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Puzzling Find

2006-02-06T20:21:00.000-08:00

Isn't this a bit like the USA Basketball dream team a la Bird, Magic, Jordan celebrating a win over team Bangladesh? I always assumed that any sports team playing a philadelphia based opponent all but declared victory weeks beforehand. Do such games even count in the standings? Anyhow, this fella seems oddly excited about beating the philadelphia baseball team in a game. I've never seen anything like it--I wonder if the game had some sort of actual meaning?

In related news: http://www.thebrushback.com/Archives/veteransstadium_full.htm

The Light at the End of the Tunnel?

2006-02-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

"Guzman may be out of your hair before you know it. I was told this season most likely will be his last chance if he doesn't produce." --Bill Ladson, MLB.com

Rejoice! It seems as though Christian Guzman can only single-handedly ruin one more season for the Washington Nationals. I've been giving the beat reporter for MLB.com a hard time for his kid glove treatment of Guzman, but will admit Bill Ladson is a very good writer. Also, he's nice enough to reply to my pestering emails, so props for that. I pulled the quote above from an email Bill sent to me this morning. Most sane people wouldn't consider this such great news, but after watching this clown ruin the Nationals playoff run last year (thanks to Frank Robinson's uncanny stubborness), its refreshing to at leat see a light at the end of the tunnel...

I questioned Guzman himself on this, and although he had no comment, he was nice enough to let me photograph his demonstration on the various ways a shortstop can avoid fielding groundballs.

Quality Headache...

2006-02-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

The only thing quality about the Quality Inn is their ability to piss me off. Incredibly obnoxious noises every morning at 6 am. Sounds like they are filling up dumpsters--even for them its a wonder they have that much worthless junk. The best part is that the noise stops by 10 am, apparently their attempt to make sure they have enough work to keep pissing us off with an early revelry from hell the next morning. I asked the foreman to explain, he had no answers, but did let me take a picture of him in front of his work...