Barking Bug

Poor Jamin Elliot...

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 22:20:00 +0000

One of my favorite names in sports is an NFL wide receiver named Jamin Elliott. He has never done much in an NFL game, but I still like to take him in fantasy leagues as an inside joke with some friends. I got the devastating news today that Jamin Elliott suffered a severe knee injury and would be out for the season on Injured Reserve. Poor Jamin Elliott. At least he has a cool name and an NFL minimum salary while he rehabs...

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part IV

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 15:21:00 +0000

Part IV: The Witch with Zero Sense of Humor

Having vanquished his demons with the first pitch, it was now game time. The Barking Brother arranged for us sit in The Den, an area in the left field bleachers that included a full buffet dinner with hot dogs, burgers, sausage, steak tips, salad, watermelon, and cookies. To gain entry to The Den, you need a special wristband. The college student working the gate this particular evening, Melanie, was a Grade-A beyotch. While we were waiting to get in, little kids were jumping around all excited to be at the game, but she was complaining about the noise. Naturally, this didn't bode well for her. We were definitely the most boisterous and obnoxious group in the state of New Hampshire that evening.

Picking up on her bad attitude, the Barking Bachlor led the way. He said to Melanie, "It's my bachelor party! I threw out the first pitch. Does that turn you on?" She didn't say anything, but was clearly upset. I followed up and asked her how she was doing. She said, "fine!", but clearly all was not well in beyotch land. She spent the remainder of the game leering and brooding in our general direction as we ate, drank, and were generally douchebags. Later on, I went to get some more steak tips (which were delicious), and Melanie was over there kvetching to her "friends" about what a jerk and a loser the Barking Bachelor was. I interrupted her rant and said, "Excuse me, you're being rude and inconsiderate, and I don't think your comments are appropriate." She offered a half-hearted apology while rolling her eyes.

The bottom line here is that Melanie, who works for the New Hampshire Fishercats, is a total beyotch. If you ever encounter her, feel free to cut her Achilles tendon. Until then, I strongly recommend that Melanie should take the giant stick out of her butt and use it to satisfy herself in various creative and unsanitary ways. Not that there's anything wrong with that... The funny part about all this is that she probably runs a blog where she complains about annoying customers at the baseball games. Too bad everyone in the world knows that she's not worth a crap. In case she's reading: Melanie, you're 18 or 19 years old, and you're making money working at a minor league baseball stadium. No one can possibly stand your attitude, and you're not even sexually attractive. Stop taking yourself so seriously and try to enjoy your piddling little existence that barely qualifies as a life...

Michael Vick Sued

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 13:27:00 +0000

I'm not going to comment on the dog fighting case with Michael Vick, but an inmate in a South Carolina prison has chosen to sue the embattled QB. See the news story here. In his complaint, Mr. Johnny Lee Riches alleges that Vick stole 2 pit bulls from him to use in his dog fighting ring. He also goes on to state that Vick "sold the dogs on eBay" then "used the proceeds purchase missles from Iran". In addition, Vick stole Riches' identity and has illegally been producing and selling Johnny Lee Riches apparrel since 2001. In addition, Vick has (i) pledged his allegiance to Al Qaeda in February 2007, (ii) subjected Riches to microwave testing, (iii) used drugs in school zones, and (iv) operated a steroids ring.

Read the full, hand-written complaint here.

Mr. Riches is requesting $63 billion in compensation for these lost dogs. He demands that these funds, "backed by gold and silver", be left outside the state penitentiary where he is being held on wire fraud charges.

No additional comment is really needed here. Just one of those things to sit back and admire...

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part III

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 14:39:00 +0000

Part III: The "First Pitch"

Following an otherwise uneventful afternoon of scotch sampling (chugging) and some very low stakes Texas Hold 'Em, a very liquored up group walked down to the local Manch-stadium for a New Hampshire Fishercats game. [Note: The Fishercats are the AA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays.] As a special surprise, the Barking Brother (also the best man) had announced that the very drunk Bachelor would be throwing out that evening's first pitch. What we soon realized was that minor league baseball franchises are all about promotions and fan involvement. In this case, we happened to attend the game on Saturday, August 11, 2007, otherwise known as "Everyone With 1 Arm or More Throws Out a First Pitch" Day. At least 15 people got to throw out a "first pitch" that evening. Almost all of them were younger kids out for birthday parties and such. Despite these factors, the Barking Bug was still the most likely participant to pee his pants (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Anyways, the kids did pretty well, getting their "first pitches" over the plate on a fly. However, they really lacked in pitching mechanics and showmanship. The Barking Bachelor chose to teach them a lesson with his "first pitch". When his name was called, the Bachelor walked to the mound with both hands raised triumphantly above his head, as if to say, "It's my time now, beyotches!". Before climbing the mound, he attempted to remove his flip-flops, but was instructed by stadium personnel that this was not allowed. Once positioned on the pitching rubber, he leaned in for his sign (nearly falling over in the process). He shook off the change-up and curve ball, opting for the fastball. Tipping his cap and launching into his pitching motion, the Barking Bachelor unleashed a tremendous pitch... that proceeded to sail 6 feet over the catcher's head and against the backstop. Using all of his baseball instincts and remaining faculties, Bug eagerly rushed toward home to back up the play and retrieve the souvenir ball . The Nazi bastards at the ballpark moved quickly to escort him from the field and refused to let him have the ball.

That is a bunch of crap, but the Barking Bachelor returned to our seats to a hero's welcome and armed with an inflated sense of self importance. Obviously, this led to additional hilarity and antics. Stay tuned...

Nappy-Headed Lawsuit

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 13:26:00 +0000

I'm sure all of you are familiar with the media hooplah surrounding "shock jock" and syndicated radio host Don Imus from earlier this year. I still believe that the guy really didn't really do anything that bad. He made a mildly racist/misogynistic comment about a group of student athletes. The comment was clearly meant as a joke, but it wasn't funny at all. So what? I say unfunny and potentially offensive things about 10 times an hour. This incident is a symptom of a much larger problem in this country. No one can take a joke, no one wants to hear anything that makes them uncomfortable, and everyone wants to sue.

Yesterday, Imus reached an agreement to settle his remaining contract with CBS Radio for a lump sum of about $20mm. He is now free to work again and is apparently negotiating TV and radio deals. Also announced yesterday was what I am calling a "Nappy-Headed Lawsuit". One of the Rutgers players, Kim Vaughn, is suing Imus, MSNBC, Viacom, CBS Radio, and others for a large sum of money for slander, libel, and defamation of character. According to the complaint and press release, "some of the money from any damages awarded in the lawsuit would be used to create a scholarship program to study the effects of bigoted and misogynistic speech on society." What a bunch of crap! A few comments:

No one ever cared about the Rutger's women's bball team. Much of the "outrage" and media hype was about idiots like Al Sharpton trying to get extra airtime for their "cause".
Along those lines, very few people even know who the Rutgers players even are. I couldn't pick any of them out of a police lineup, and I doubt anyone would equate these individuals as "nappy headed hoes".
This is an obvious money grab by a greedy young woman with no sense of justice.
As noted in the landmark legal case Hustler Magazine/Larry Flynt v. Jerry Falwell, in order to collect for damages for slander, libel, infliction of emotional distress, and defamation of character, a 'reasonable person' must be able to believe that the statements are true. I can't possibly believe that any reasonable person could possibly believe that student athletes were really "unchaste women", let alone conclude that Don Imus had intimate knowledge of this.
I find it humorous that a young woman who is showing a severe lack of character is suing a man for defamation of character.

These kinds of lawsuits and unnecessary attention just has to stop. F-you, Kim Vaughn. I hope Don Imus lets you take this case to court, and you lose. I want you to have to pay his legal fees. That would be real justice.

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part II

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 13:45:00 +0000

Part II: The Longest Mini Golf Hole in the World

After a way-too early wakeup call courtesy of my coughing/nose-blowing thanks to a cold (yes, I am a jerk), we had a nice diner breakfast highlighted by my inability to locate the bathroom. Mmm... pancakes and omlettes... Looking for a way to pass the time, the Barking Bachelor suggested we check out Chucksters, a brand new mini golf complex about 30 minutes from Manchvegas.

According to their website, Chucksters is "awesome". The course's claim to fame is hole #13, which they say is the longest mini golf hole in the world at 201 feet. While it was a pretty nice course, I'm not really sure how they managed to come up with "longest mini golf hole in the world" claim. I did a web search and found ~~many~~ several references to Chucksters but not much else in my web travels. Seems pretty convenient that they're making this claim, yet there is minimal evidence to suggest that they are really correct. In fact, I think by advertising this fact, they invite the competition to go out there and top them. The Barking Bachelor, Slappy, Ass Puppet, and I played a full round this past Saturday. During the round, Bug happened to pull the most retarded "rule" ever out of his anus: if you are away (farthest from the hole), you have to hit your ball as it lies, even if there are other balls in the way. This led to much debate and even worse putting from the lot of us. I have never encountered this rule before, and I think it is pure BS. I don't think it really affected my score much, but calling Bug out on his stupid rules is thanks enough. End result: Slappy kicked all of our butts with a score of 60 (par of 41).

Happy Madden Eve!

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 15:51:00 +0000

As you all should know, Madden 2008 comes out in stores at midnight tonight. EA Sports is advertising tomorrow as Madden Day 2008. The game is expected to sell in the millions the first day, which likely means several hundred thousand Americans will take off work to play the game all day. Some have gone so far as to call the release date of the game a national holiday.

Anyway, in 2007, a long snapper on the Washington Redskins named Ethan Albright was rated a 53 overall (on a 99 scale). As a joke, someone wrote a fictitious, profanity-laced letter to John Madden and posted it on the internet. Here is the link. I happen to think this piece is hilarious. It is completely irreverent and disrespectful, but I think the writer had fun with it. From the opening stanza to the salutation of "Rot in hell", this document is just fantastic.

Leading up to the 2008 release date, a blogger named Jcscheffers has written a pretty funny blog article entitled "Why Madden 2008 is better than my girlfriend". Another excellent read.

For those of you who can't wait 12 hours to purchase the game, here is an IGN Preview and a link to screen shots/videos.

A Very Buggish Bachelor Party, Part I

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 13:34:00 +0000

I was one of the designees to attend the Barking Bug's bachelor party festivities this past weekend in Manchvegas, NH. We drank, we laughed, we threw meat, and we had fun. Over the next several days, I will regale you with tales from the bachelor party weekend. VIVA MANCHVEGAS!!!

Part I: I guess I'll pick up the tab...

On Friday night, 4 of the Goon Squad (Barking Bug/Bachelor, Slappy, Ass Puppet, and myself/Jeeves) went to the bar downstairs from his apartment around 12:30 AM or so. They had Miller Lite bottles (correct pronunciation: Mill-ay Litt-ay) for $3 each. As you all should know, $3 is a good price on special, let alone a Friday night, so we cheerfully ordered a round. Around 12:45, the bartender shouted "LAST CALL!!!", which surprised us. Las Vegas = all night party. Manchvegas = party like it's 1759. Regardless, we immediately ordered 2 extra rounds of beer. Wanting to pay my fair share, I handed the bartender my credit card and clearly said, "Put one round on my tab, please." She went ahead and returned everyone else's credit cards and put the entire group's tab on my card. Apparently, in Manchvegas, saying "put a round on my card" really means "I want to buy everyone else in the bar drinks"...

I don't mind the $36 charge. It's the principle of the thing. A bartender has a lot of responsibilities, not the least of which is giving the customer what he/she wants. I guess I shouldn't be terribly critical. If your lifelong dream is to move to Manchester, NH to take a job serving drinks a third rate sports bar, you may not have that much ability or ambition to begin with.

The Great "Pantsuit" Continues...

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 20:00:00 +0000

Perhaps some of you are familiar with this legal case in the DC court system. To enlighten you, in 2002, a local dry cleaner lost a pair of pants owned by a judge, Roy Pearson, and paid him $150 for the lost clothing. In 2005, the same judge dropped off a pair of suit pants for alterations. They were not ready when he expected them, so he filed suit in DC court demanding damages of $65 million! He claims that the cleaner is guilty of 12 violations of Consumer Protection Laws a day ($1,500 per violation) x 3 locations of the cleaning business from 2002 on + replacement of his clothing + 1,400 hours of his own legal time + the cost to rent a car to travel to another cleaner + pain and suffering. One of Pearson's cronies in the DC courts allowed this case to go to trial, even though there were allegations of bad faith legal proceedings and poor legal judgement on the judge's part. At the trial, this miserable douche cried talking about how the cleaners abused him. What a pussy. The judge at trial correctly ruled in favor of the defendent, but the cleaning business had to pay $100,000 in legal fees. Undaunted, Pearson has appealed the ruling.

As of April 30, 2007, Pearson was up for renewal of his judicial appointment. In reality, he grossly abused the legal system he is being paid and trusted to defend. Did he get dismissed, fined, and disbarred for his actions? No! The panel considering his appointment has been unable to come to a decision for 3 months. During this time, he is not allowed to hear cases, but he is allowed to "earn" his 6-figure salary. If he is reappointed, he will draw this salary for another 10 years. This is a no-brainer. No judge can preside over a trial without having some form of integrity. Given this history, no ruling Pearson will ever make will stand up. Every decision will be appealed because the judge is a moronic douche who can't even exercise even judgement in his own affairs. I surely hope this dickhead will be castrated, then shot in both kneecaps. Anything less would be a disservice to the rest of the country.

Who cares?

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 15:19:00 +0000

Every time I turn on the television, read a newspaper, or try to get the news on the web, I notice a constant that just pisses me off: The media's obsession with young celebrities. The latest instance of this nonsense can be found here. Apparently, idiot bimbo Lindsay Lohan's DUI arrest and return to rehab was front page news on MSNBC and CNN Tuesday, July 24, 2007. It was seemingly more important than things like a $50mm SEC fine against Citigroup for outright fraud against mutual fund shareholders, wildfires in the West that threaten lives and ecosystems, and pretty much everything else of value to society. What I want to know is: who the hell cares about people like Brittany Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, and Lindsay Lohan? What have any of these individuals really done to help society, the arts, or even themselves? As far as I can tell, they have done pretty much nothing tangible with their lives, but they are worth (in most cases) millions of dollars. They are hunted by the paparazzi for photos and dirt on their very existence.

The fact that these pea-brained, ignorant, arrogant, indifferent individuals get any attention at all is disgusting to me. I kind of understand it, in a way. These people are car crashes, train wrecks, and crime scenes. The blithering masses of America can't help but stop and stare at human misery. Of course, the reasonable people who just want to get someplace are stuck behind the bastards who aren't smart enough to just keep moving... I actually believe these sad, pathetic women are addicted to the spotlight and go to great lengths to keep themselves in the news. Maybe they would stop their self-destructive behavior if the public would stay focused on important matters and leave them alone. I think society would be better off, and these bastages can die broken, poor, young, and alone in an alley somewhere. Ah, the circle of life...

Costumes In Public...

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 19:07:00 +0000

Either Halloween is now celebrated on July 20, or there were an inordinate number of giant geeks in Old Town last Friday. Either way, I didn't get the memo. That evening, I went on a date at Asian Bistro in Alexandria, VA (fantastic Thai food and sushi). Harry Potter and his horde of loser dweeb fans dominated the evening. The restaurant is 1/2 a block from a small movie theater (showing the feature film) and about 1.5 blocks from a book store (having a special book release party). Needless to say, the street was packed with fans of all ages, a great many of them decked out in full costume. I freely admit that it's a great thing that kids are psyched for a book release. However, there is absolutely no excuse for functioning members of society to dress up like characters from the book/movie saga. Seriously, if you're not working some demeaning advertising gig or acting on stage/screen, there is really no legitimate excuse for you to wear a costume. Acceptable behavior: dude dressed up like a chicken handing out coupons. Unacceptable behavior: 40 year-old man dressed up like a female character from a popular children's novel walking around a crowded public street.

People, once you reach the age of 10, you cannot play dress-up on a regular basis anymore without running the risk of tar/feathering. Parading around with broomsticks touting the virtues of "quidditch" is more likely to result in a visit to your proctologist than any semblence of social acceptance. Then again, if you or someone you know is truly dorky enough to buy costume supplies for a movie or book release, you might have more pressing issues to deal with. I think all of these problems really go back to JK Rowling, the author and authoritatative guardian of the Harry Potter franchise. If you're sick of these nincompoops making asses of themselves on a semiregular basis, perhaps you need to attack the problem at the source. I implore you to track down this lady and kick her square in the taint.

Alternative Solutions for the Virginia Assembly

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 15:07:00 +0000

Not only am I a critic of recent Virginia legislation to unfairly fine its drivers, but I am also a bringer of solutions. I'm here to entertain and inform. Here is a nice list for those idiot sheep in Richmond:

Gas tax increase. A 1 cent increase in the gas tax would raise about $50mm in revenues according to this article. It would be a small cost to all drivers, not just those in state.
Make August 7, 2007 the first annual "Kick your Assemblyman in the Crotch Day". Angry, perverted, sadistic, and/or curious citizens can pay a fee of $250 each to kick their assemblyman in the junk or $100 to kick his/her assistant. Maybe offer a deal like "5 kicks for $1000" for the bargain hunters out there. The capstone: for every $10mm raised, Hulk Hogan kicks the Governor square in the "ouch pouch". Charge admission for those who want to watch, sell t-shirts and other garb, hock food and beer, and sell PPV broadcast rights on cable and satellite TV. I guarantee it's more entertaining than boxing...
Income tax increase. Of course politicians couldn't think of raising taxes when there's an election coming up... God forbid they'd do the right thing and take the punishment.
Tobacco tax. There are millions of VA citizens who use tobacco and make everyone else's life miserable. They must pay an extra 5 cents-per-pack tax on all tobacco. It's not going to stop people from using tobacco, and the people killing themselves also hurt their own finances. Win-win.
State-run poker rooms and slot casinos. It's a huge money maker, and it would be a boon for my dormant gambling problem. The best part about this idea is that it would screw over West Virginia.
"Express Lanes" at the VA DMV. If anyone has suffered through a DMV experience, it is hard enough to deal with the inconsiderate idiots who work there. It is even more painful to wait in line behind other people who are even more incompetent than the clerks. Wouldn't it be awesome to just walk in at a specific time with a printed "fast pass" and only be in line a few short minutes? Charge people $25 up front to reserve an appointment time in specific lanes. It's like EZ Pass. Make the service somewhat limited, so there are limited backlogs. Or, you can pay something like $50 to guarantee front of the line access for your matter at a given time. If you miss your appointment or are even 1 minute late, tough luck. Sure, it will make other people have to wait longer, but who cares?

All it takes is some creativity and 10 minutes of rational thought, and you can come up with good ideas that are practical (in most cases) and will solve the problem without pissing off most of the state's voters. I suppose I shouldn't expect something creative and smart from a southern state...

ALERT for Virginia Drivers!!!

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 13:53:00 +0000

The assbags in the Virginia General Assembly have completely lost touch with reality. I'm convinced that to be qualified for a "leadership" position in this state, you have to have an IQ of 60 or a frontal labotomy. Either way, the citizens suffer. In the 2007 state budget, there was a shortfall of about $65mm that the Republican majority in Congress and the Democratic Governor (Tim Kaine) could not resolve. Instead of coming up with a reasonable situation, the state went and did this:

Car registration increased from $29.50 to $39.50 per vehicle.
Fine for driving with a suspended license: $250 per year for 3 years.
Fine for reckless/aggressive driving: $350 per year for 3 years.
Fine for DWI: $750 per year for 3 years.
Miscellaneous fine for driving violations (at officer's discretion): Additional $300 per year for 3 years.

According to the law, NONE of these fines can be appealed or reduced once given by the police officers on the street. While I respect law enforcement officers, they are not infallible. It is possible they will make a mistake that will cost someone a significant chunk of money. This factor is plain unacceptable. Also, Virginia is refusing to apply these fines to out of state drivers. Given the number of commuters and pass-throughs in the state, wouldn't it be prudent to apply these fines to them as well? Governor Kaine explained that Virginia didn't have the authority to fine out-of-state drivers that much. I think it's more a case that Virginia doesn't have the authority to follow up and collect on these fines. Instead, they're going to stupidly beat up on their own consituents. Blatantly retarded!

There is a petition out there where VA residents can voice their displeasure with these statutes. I have signed it, and over 100,000 other residents have followed suit. Act now and show these morons that there are easier ways to raise money without unfairly fining motorists.

"Cloverfield" Movie Looks Amazing

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 20:28:00 +0000

For those of you who have seen the Transformers movie (awesome, btw), there was a very odd, but strangely compelling trailer for the upcoming JJ Abrams (creator/producer of LOST) movie, currently called "Cloverfield". Watch the trailer to see what I mean. Seems like some sort of monster attacks NY. In the screen shot to the right, it looks like the thing ripped the Statue of Liberty's head off and spit/threw it through the city. It looks like an absolutely bad ass movie, but they are not leaking anything. All we know is that it's not a Godzilla film. There are plenty of sites out there with speculation and teasers. Links:

Cloverfield Official Site
IMDb
Screenrant
Slusho (Marketing Site--officially related)
Wikipedia

No bitching here. Just saying this movie looks really cool. If you're a fan of LOST, you might want to look into this.

Worst Sports Day Ever

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 13:55:00 +0000

You'd think that professional sports leagues would learn by now. ALWAYS have content and games available for your fans when you can, and ALWAY take advantage of opportunities when other sports drop the ball. The day after the All-Star game has always been the worst sports day of the year. The baseball players are still on break for another day, football training camp is still a month away, no one cares about the NHL anymore (or never did), and if you have any interest in NBA free agency, you're a retard. If you want to watch TV on this horrendous day, the only things on are classic reruns of good TV, crappy reruns of terrible network shows, or awful summer shows that are so bad they will cause cancer and heart disease. Last night, the only watchable programming on TV was Travel Channel's broadcast of the WPT Poker Invitational, and South Park reruns on Comedy Central. Oh yeah, for those 3 people who wanted to watch the movie Species with commercials and without a nude Natasha Henstridge, you could have turned to TNT. Excellente!!!!

The only real sports broadcast on TV last night was ESPN's coverage of the AAA Baseball All-Star Game. While I follow minor league baseball, is there any point to this game? The real All-Star Game is already BS because the players and managers don't try (see this post for further details). Why would anyone other than a baseball dork like me want to watch the AAA game? 95% of the players who will be stars are already in the majors. What's more, there is even less incentive for the players or managers to try to win or entertain. In today's media environment, you either broadcast and provide content, or you perish. There is no offseason and there are no days off. People consume sports as entertainment. It is unconscionable for the major sports to continue to drop the ball (pardon the pun) every year. The baseball all-star break is part of their season, but this schedule is announced well in advance. Surely the other major sports should take advantage of this one day to grab the attention away. Why couldn't the NBA or NHL have their drafts on this night each year? Maybe even baseball could get over itself and hold its telecast of the amateur entry draft during that open time. Maybe the NFL wants to expand its dominance with a special broadcast or even the draft. Worst case, the ever-crappy ESPN could attempt to fill the void with their over-the-top, idiotic ESPY Awards Show.

I'm not asking for much here. Give us some form of sports entertainment that is relevant and worth watching. It is irresponsible of the major sports to let this crap go on any longer!

Aaron Rowand?

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 14:12:00 +0000

Seriously? Tony LaRussa, you are a raging retard. With 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, ~~2 men on base~~ based loaded and in a 1-run game when you're the home team, you put Albert Pujols up to bat to win the game, not Aaron Rowand. If you have any doubts, look at career stats for Rowand and Pujols. Pujols has 189 more home runs, 509 more RBI's, a career batting average over 40 points higher, an OBP 70 points higher, and an OPS more than 246 points higher in his career (both were rookies in 2001 and have 6+ years of service time). What's more, Pujols is 4-11 in All Star game AB's in his career (.364 batting average, .417 OBP). The final point I will make: even in 2007, when Rowand is having a "career year" and Pujols is "slumping", Pujols has superior offensive numbers.

Listen, I'm a Phillies fan. I'm used to seeing retarded managerial moves that costs my team the game. However, even the moron Charlie Manuel could get this right. When the game is on the line, you go for the win. You don't bench Albert Pujols, one of the top 5 hitters in the game, for Aaron Rowand, who is a fringe All Star in his best season in the majors. Pujols is famous for clutch hits and big time skills with the bat. Rowand is famous for taking a nose dive into a metal fence in center field.

Below: Aaron Rowand shows the world what happens when he is asked to hit against K-Rod:

Only in Dreams?

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 13:28:00 +0000

[Note: This post somehow got deleted through no action of my own. I decided to repost out of spite.]

I usually don't remember my dreams, probably because I'm too focused on unnecessary BS like low-stakes poker, minor league basketball, and fantasy sports. Either that or my subconscious produces images so horrifyingly stupid and retarded that my brain shields my conscious from these bastardized thoughts. No matter. This dream stood out for its sheer idiocy and overall hilarity at my expense:

I knew it was a dream for several reasons: (1) I was out at a bar (why be social when I can hang out at home?), (2) I was drinking a beer (why drink a beer when I can have no fun at all?), and (3) I was talking to women, and they were actually interested in me (my interactions with the opposite sex are awkward on a good day). For some reason, I attracted the attention of a gorgeous brunette, who laughed at my stupid jokes and seemed interested in my insurance career (yet another clue). Flash forward, and we're back at her place and in her bedroom. She takes off her clothes and lies down on the bed. Do I jump her bones? Do I romance her? NO! I say, "Sorry, I have a girlfriend," and I leave. I woke up dumbfounded! Am I really so pathetic with the opposite sex that I can't even seal the deal in my own dream? Even fat, ugly people get the hot chick in their dreams!

Fortunately for me, I told my girlfriend about this series of events, and she thought it was sweet that I would turn down sex in my dream. Unfortunately for me, I blew my "Get Out of Jail Free" card when I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home. Maybe I was better off just keeping my mouth shut. Story of my life...

Enough Already, Dick Vitale!

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 15:35:00 +0000

Every year, millions of ESPN viewers are subjected to the screaming and ranting of Dick Vitale, a former college coach and NCAA basketball "expert". Seriously, what did any of us do to deserve this kind of torture? The man gets paid large sums of money to do color commentary of NCAA (minor league) basketball games and further "analysis" on ESPN programs (e.g. SportsCenter). However, anyone with half a brain knows that this jackass ruins every broadcast he does. All he does is enthusiastically scream and yell about things that have nothing to do with the matter at hand. Of course, once he's done making his various off-base and moronic points, he'll finish with a loud ".... BABY!!!!". Dickie V, you may like to listen to yourself talk, but it's giving the rest of us a migraine!

I am so sick of the guy that I will literally change the channel the moment he comes on the air. The very sound of his voice makes me want to rip my left arm off, just so I have something to throw at him! ESPN, your audience throws an epilleptic fit and grows collectively dumber every time you put this epic douche on the air. Do the entire world a favor and ban him from studios everywhere and replace him with insightful and responsible professionals.

I'm not saying that Dick Vitale should die, I just don't want to have to look at his face or listen to him ever again. I will say this: forcing Vitale into retirement would truly be AWESOME, BABY!!!!

Delaware Sucks!

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 13:29:00 +0000

Reasons Delaware shouldn't be nuked off the map:

No sales tax on consumer purchases
Favorable corporate laws that help US businesses.
Without traffic, it only takes 20 minutes to get through the state on the way to legitimate destinations.
Save weapons to stop Godzilla.

Yes, Delaware sucks and offers little value to anyone. What's more, they take in over $20mm a year in tolls from drivers desperate to get into the slightly less-sucky state of Maryland via I-95. That's just complete BS. Delaware is lucky to even get a star on the flag. I found a way around the Delaware toll, which will save you $4 and stick it to those jackholes:

Exit I-95 South at Delaware Exit 1B (Rt. 896, College Ave.).
About 1 mile up, make a left on Rt. 2 (Christina Ave.)
About 1.5 miles, make a left onto Rt. 2 (Elkton Rd.)
I-95 South in Maryland (Exit 109) will be less than 2 miles away.

Given the traffic during the summer and on weekends, this will add about 5 miles to your trip, but it will often save you time and frustration. Suck on that, Delaware!

Love that Chicken?

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 13:09:00 +0000

On our way back to DC from the "bachelor party" from hell, we stopped to eat dinner around 10 PM at the Chesapeake House in Northern Maryland. They offer the usual rest stop fast food options. I decided on some delicious Popeye's Fried Chicken. However, the Hispanic family in line in front of me proceeded to piss me off by taking 15 minutes to order their massive dinner:

4 16-piece fried chicken buckets
3 large sides of mashed potatoes and gravy
2 large sides of red beans and rice
2 large sides of macaroni and cheese
16 buttermilk biscuits
10 medium fountain drinks

Total: $125

Perhaps they should have just said, "Wait, how much chicken do you have back there? I'll take it!" Has anyone ever actually ordered $125 worth of Popeye's and lived? Of course we know that Popeye's is unhealthy. However, there are environmental effects as well. I know that the aftermath of my 3-piece chicken dinner was a fart-riddled 2002 Toyota Solara and one super-sized piece of "information" 3 hours later. I can only imagine what 22x the food would have done to that poor family...

Excuse me, Miss...

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 13:34:00 +0000

I have a confession: I enjoy pina coladas. I'm already a huge fan of pineapple and coconut juices, and I also enjoy milking drinks to avoid getting drunk. So, getting a froofy mixed drink with minimal alchohol content would be a logical step, no?

Saturday evening at the Comedy Cellar in New York City (a fantastic place, btw), I was sitting with friends, and we shared a table with several young ladies also in attendance. Partially as a joke (but mostly because I wanted one), I ordered a pina colada from the bar to "enjoy" while I watched the show. The dummy waittress brought me a Coors Lite and one of the girls at the table a pina colada. The girl looked confused by mixup. I, of course, just wanted my drink. So, in between comedy sets, I said a little too loudly, "Excuse me, Miss? I believe that is my Pina Colada... this here is your Coors Lite!"

Faaaantastic!

Worst "Bachelor Party" Ever?

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 13:39:00 +0000

I attended what was supposed to be a bachelor party for a long time friend in NYC this past weekend. The whole thing was cut short by the bachelor getting violently ill and passing out by 10 PM after 1 beer, 1/2 a glass of wine, and a fantastic Italian dinner. To me, this basically cancelled the bachelor party, so those of us not taking care of the groom went to a comedy show and bar-hopping around NY. Normally, I'd be railing against him for extreme douchebaggery, but NOT THIS TIME! I place full blame on the mother of the groom and the bride-to-be for bombarding the poor guy with frantic calls about errors on the wedding program, final RSVP's, and BS bickering between both sides of the family. Seriously? You really can't leave the bachelor alone for 36 hours to let him just have fun with his friends? Between the weeks leading up to the wedding and the rest of his life, you are the very same people that are going to strip him of the will to live. Is it absolutely mandatory that you get a head start on his life of misery? F-you to you people for stealing a rare weekend of fun from an all-around good guy!

Back in the Saddle

elliotgolden@gmail.com (EMG) — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 03:46:00 +0000

I'M BACK, BEYOTCHES!!!! After a 349 day hiatus, barkingbug.blogspot.com ~~are~~ is back on the scene. The Barking Bug (and his affiliates) will do all they can to update you on the inane, mundane, and silly crap that goes on that pisses us off (and should piss you off, too). Be prepared for a year's worth of pent up rage and frustration. Stay tuned...

Demon Review #2

noreply@blogger.com (Barking Bug) — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 14:07:00 +0000

You know the bug blog is going down hill when I, creator of said blog, haven't been able to bring myself to read it for months. This past weekend I was faced with two options -- read this blog or do everything else I could possibly imagine and then hope I fell asleep. The decision was obvious. I'd go into a long, rambling rant in a pointless attempt to explain, but that has proven to be the email demon's problem and thusly this blog's problem. Let's just say this -- I was so bored, I got tired of the Internet, actually read a book, and went to the gym -- twice! Anything that sucks so much it drives me to the gym twice should be studied carefully for scientific purposes.

Unfortunately, studying would require reading the posts, and I refuse to do that out of pure spite. Let me say this to anyone reading -- I have fixed the comments problem. Somehow before I was supposed to approved all comments before they went live. Comments will no longer be filtered. I apologize to the 6 douche bags who were wronged by this. It is my hope that the nasty comments will liven things up. And, with any luck, the firery red head will make herself known soon. In other good news, I may start deleting select craptacular posts.

Let me just weigh in on some of the recent topics:

jj redick - minor league basketball sucks, no one cares
chivalry is dead - one of the last one I read - potentially funny, but ruined by misguided babbling
chris berman is horrible in every way, and always was, the demon just like hearing him say "back, back, back, back, back.. and gone" when they are doing dirty things together in the park.
kickball is not a sport. Neither is softball. its not about sport, its about beer
my first review -- dead on
all star game -- the mangers dont try, so who cares how the players are picked

In conclusion, a check minus for the email demon, whose glory days seem to be behind him... and an incomplete for bailing out of the big camping trip in two weeks. I challenge anyone to find a douchier act then the email demon bitching out of the camping trip because he thinks he will have a lot of work to do in a few weeks, so much work that he will be worrying about it every night as he watches crappy cartoon reruns and all weekend during the three softball games he will be playing while drinking as much ass he possbily can (potentially 2.5 beers).

$2 reward if anyone can top that.

The world is going to hell...

noreply@blogger.com (The Red Head) — Mon, 17 Jul 2006 18:34:00 +0000

And the media feels that W. using the word "shit" to another world leader while a mic was on is worthy of reporting? Sigh. No wonder the world hates us.

Don't get me wrong, I am no fan of our underesteemed president. I think it is funny when he says things that are completely preposterous, not to mention frequently full of grammatical error, or just plain nonsensical. (See use of the "word" misunderestimated). Had they caught him saying something truly outlandish like oh, say, i dunno, "Thank god something else miserable is going on in that part of the world so no one bothers me about the clusterfuck i created in iraq" I'd be falling on the floor laughing. This, not so much.

i can only hope that next time a mic catches W. saying something that proves he is full of his favorite 4 letter word.